1 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,804 But now, instead of a janky-ass sticky magnet, 2 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,014 imagine that this is our spaceship. 3 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,600 Since when can the ship split in half? 4 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:21,104 Also, why does it split in half? Is it ease of cleaning? 5 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:23,606 Making it in two parts meant that I could classify Avenue 5 6 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,899 as two half-mile vessels. 7 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,735 Made me a substantial tax saving. 8 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,069 Jesus wept. 9 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,947 No, Jesus beat the shit out of the tax collectors. Look it up. 10 00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:33,408 Or have Iris look it up for you, I guess. 11 00:00:33,491 --> 00:00:35,577 So, if the ship splits, the missile can only hit 12 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,245 -one half, is that right? -(FINGERS SNAP) 13 00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:40,123 No, no, no. No. We're talking about genocide. 14 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:41,124 Again! 15 00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,001 It's not genocide if half of us survive. 16 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,419 All right, semi-cide then. 17 00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,087 The missile is a real asshole. 18 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,964 It will go for maximum devastation, 19 00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:50,759 so probably the back half where the engines are. 20 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:53,636 So, who decides who goes in which half? 21 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,639 (SCOFFS) No. It's not a dictator's job 22 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,309 to decide on a whim who lives or dies. 23 00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:02,645 It absolutely is, isn't it? 24 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,024 ♪ ("AVENUE 5" THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 25 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:15,575 ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 26 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,619 MATT SPENCER: Okay, here's how the algorithm works. 27 00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:21,790 So, the AI algorithm delivers a rank for each passenger 28 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,875 based on their perceived value to the ship. 29 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,753 Knock, knock. Hello? Why was I summoned here? 30 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,213 Yeah, and why wasn't I summoned? 31 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:32,801 -Okay, so take Frank, right? -Hey. That's me. 32 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,677 The algorithm has tracked Frank 33 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,471 from the moment that he stepped on the ship 34 00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:39,182 and laughed at the very idea of the complimentary slippers. 35 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,059 They're basically free shoes. 36 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:44,479 Okay, so Frank produces two pounds of solid waste, 37 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,022 four pints of urine every day. 38 00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:48,566 He laughs on average twice a week. 39 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,401 Ah, I laugh more than that. 40 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,153 You do a lot of nervous laughter. 41 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,196 (CHUCKLES) Exactly. 42 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,781 MATT: His testosterone levels are normal 43 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,157 for a woman in her seventies. 44 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:59,786 He has a 51 percent near-fatal embolism. 45 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:03,122 He has hairless feet, can't taste pears, etcetera, etcetera. Okay. 46 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:06,376 And Frank's overall ranking is 832. 47 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,294 Thank you, Frank. You can go now. 48 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,880 What was that about an embolism? 49 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,841 KAREN KELLY: Don't stress about the embolism, Frank. 50 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,551 You'll give yourself an embolism. 51 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,387 Every single J on this ship is embedded with a camera. 52 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,597 It tracks, through our actions and demeanor, 53 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,558 our positive contributions to the ship. 54 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:25,186 It's my algorithm, but I promise to keep it fair. 55 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,896 I love judging people. 56 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,024 So, we lure the lower-ranked passengers to the back, 57 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,610 then we split the ship in two and... mm, mm, mm. 58 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,862 RYAN CLARK: A passenger pogrom. 59 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,531 There's gotta be a better way of doing it than this. 60 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,867 Look, we've always given machines the tasks 61 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:41,202 that we can't handle, right? Defuse bombs, 62 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,122 reset bowling pins, provide reliable orgasms. 63 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,082 This is another thing that we should put 64 00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:48,793 in the hands of a machine because ours are too shaky. 65 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:49,961 Okay. 66 00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:53,673 To use what is rapidly becoming our popular catchphrase, 67 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,926 fuck it. Let us temporarily suspend our humanity. 68 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,303 IRIS KIMURA: Great. 69 00:02:58,386 --> 00:02:59,929 -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 70 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,599 RYAN: Passengers, today, the ship's computer 71 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,058 will be ranking all of us. 72 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,603 And if you rank between one and 3000, 73 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,230 you will be rewarded with a first-class cabin. 74 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,191 Everyone else will be well provided for, 75 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,484 so don't worry about that. 76 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,653 Keep on smiling and you will win the day. 77 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:18,907 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES) ♪ 78 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,658 Well, at least half of you will. 79 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:23,328 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Did my ranking just go up? 80 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,914 The algorithm rewards cold-hearted decisions 81 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,583 -clinically made. -So it's a psychopath? 82 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,627 Well, it has Judd in its coding. 83 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,629 Well, if the algorithm is in charge, 84 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,422 I won't need the head warmer. 85 00:03:34,505 --> 00:03:37,425 So, my followers all rank low because they follow me. 86 00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:40,720 So let's see how that's going. Oh. They've unfollowed me. 87 00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:43,014 That was fast. You have to respect that. 88 00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:45,266 -Fickle little bitches. (LAUGHS) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 89 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,726 How can my ranking be so low 90 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:50,313 when I am 3D printing an actual human baby in my cooch? 91 00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:51,898 We don't need a bigger suite, though. 92 00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,191 Babies are famously small. 93 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:56,110 Not in your family. You had a head like a refrigerator. 94 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,112 Honey, like I told you, it was a bad angle. 95 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,782 -In every single photo. -Well, my love for you 96 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,618 is even bigger than your freakish skull, Doug. 97 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,245 -(BOTH GIGGLE) -(DEVICE PINGS) 98 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,872 Wait. Were you saying that 'cause you meant it, 99 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,207 or were you trying to get a ping? 100 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,501 -Of course I meant it. -(DEVICE PINGS) 101 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,503 MIA: Okay. That smile is freaking me out, 102 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,171 but I'm just gonna go with it. 103 00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:18,758 How can I be bottom half? Doesn't make sense. 104 00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:21,344 -I'm a good person. Fact. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 105 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:23,262 KAREN: Frank? Why have I gone down? 106 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,640 FRANK KELLY: Sorry, I'm making bathroom. 107 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:28,017 Ryan compliments me all the time. 108 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,978 He says he never met anyone like me. 109 00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,939 FRANK: That's a known British insult, honey. 110 00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:35,066 -No, it's not. -FRANK: No, I think it is. 111 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,985 -(DEVICE PINGS) -(FRANK LAUGHING) 112 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,195 -Don't nervous laugh me, Frank. -FRANK: Sorry. 113 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,491 -I'm going out. -FRANK: I'm almost done. 114 00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:46,619 ♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 115 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:50,248 -ELENA: Oh, wow, mi amor. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 116 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,917 Wow. "A Traditional British Eelhouse. 117 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,169 -Eel-sy does it, Guvnor." -(CHUCKLES) 118 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:56,546 Why are we eating here? 119 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,965 The camera-to-customer ratio is pretty high here. 120 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:01,384 And you lot could use a bit of a lift. 121 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:02,552 Is the food all eels? 122 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,220 (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Is it all eels? 123 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:07,056 Eating eels is what won us the Battle of Agincourt! 124 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,767 We thrashed Hitler's anus with a brace of eels. 125 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,060 -I don't like eels. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 126 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,187 Oh, nobody like eels. They're the celery of the sea. 127 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:16,941 But just relax and embrace the authentic British smell 128 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,568 of abandoned phone boxes 129 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:19,861 -and James Corden. -(DEVICE PINGS) 130 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,655 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hoity-ho and scupper me bollocks! 131 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:25,366 Let me show you luverly, luverly cunts 132 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,868 to your shit and stable. 133 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,745 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) That means table. This way. 134 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,789 I think the C-word is considered affectionate in the UK, right? 135 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,207 RYAN: Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. 136 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,501 -Sometimes makes it into the wedding vows. -(DEVICE PINGS) 137 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,880 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Here we are, the old cock and balls. (LAUGHS) 138 00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,758 We'll have, uh, an "Eel-ivia Colman," 139 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,092 an "Idris Eel-ba," 140 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,928 and an "Eel-ementary, My Dear Wats-eel" 141 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,138 for the tab-eel. 142 00:05:47,221 --> 00:05:49,057 WAITER: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Excellent choices, man. 143 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,059 ELENA: Why are you acting weird? 144 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,269 I thought the rankings were just a bit of fun? 145 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:56,731 Yeah, yeah. It's just-- it's just fun, cor blimey! 146 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:57,982 -(CHUCKLES) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 147 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,859 Is that for your dreadful cockney accent? 148 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,277 Or 'cause you're lying? 149 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,362 -No. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 150 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,449 -It goes down when he lies. -(DEVICE PINGS) 151 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:07,950 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Eel-ivia Colman. 152 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,619 We deboned it for you. 153 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,412 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Means we took the bones out. 154 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,165 -It looks like mashed up eyes. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 155 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:15,958 RYAN: Hold your nose. Push on through. 156 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,710 Or what'll happen? 157 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,504 -Nothing. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 158 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,464 Just as long as they don't force feed us. 159 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,632 Do we die? 160 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:30,264 -Of course... not. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 161 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:33,601 Okay. Ryan, you need to tell us everything, right now. 162 00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,105 (DOOR CLOSING) 163 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,439 COMPUTER MATT: Welcome, Ryan Clark. 164 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,442 KAREN: Huh. Knew this software would be cheap. 165 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,569 -Can you change your voice? -COMPUTER MATT: No. 166 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:47,031 Can you change yours? See? (LAUGHS) I have a humor chip. 167 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:51,661 Mm. Okay, so let momma see what baby's been thinking. 168 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:53,913 Ryan's most used words. 169 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,541 RYAN: (OVER COMPUTER) Karen. Karen. Karen... 170 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,918 -(GASPS, CHUCKLES) Ryan! -COMPUTER MATT: Hey, do you want 171 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,837 -to expand context of... -RYAN: Karen. 172 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,547 -COMPUTER MATT: ...words? -KAREN: Oh, yeah, baby. 173 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,423 RYAN: I'm talking about fucking Karen! 174 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,008 -(GASPS) -RYAN: Honestly? 175 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,510 Being around Karen makes me feel 176 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,178 -like a teenager again. -Oh. 177 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,638 RYAN: And I was deeply uncomfortable 178 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:13,432 as a teenager. Borderline suicidal. 179 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,726 Christ, that woman is like a verruca 180 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,688 -on my blinking anus! -Well, that could be anyone. 181 00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,983 RYAN: I'm talking about Karen, for fuck's sake. 182 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,317 -Dull and draining. -(GASPS) 183 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,194 RYAN: Like a month of fucking Wednesdays. 184 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,238 I'll tell you who can fuck along nicely. 185 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,364 -Karen Kelly. -(GASPS) 186 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:30,283 RYAN: Karen Kelly. I bet if you say that 187 00:07:30,366 --> 00:07:32,869 in the wrong pyramid, your mouth fills with beetles. 188 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:33,911 KAREN: You S-head. 189 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,163 RYAN: Honestly, that woman haunts me 190 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:39,333 -like a perfumed plague pit. -Shut the fuck up! 191 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:40,793 -(DEVICE PINGS) -PASSENGER: You deserve it. 192 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,545 -(DEVICE PINGS) -No, but I wanna buy this for you. 193 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,005 -(DEVICE PINGS) -I wanna buy it for you. 194 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:45,089 -(DEVICE PINGS) -(LAUGHS) 195 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,632 That's so cute. (CHUCKLES) 196 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,427 I bet a beautiful couple like you are ranking highly, 197 00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,596 -am I right? -Uh, no. She's my sister. 198 00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:52,722 RAV MULCAIR: Oh, shame. 199 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,390 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -I mean, not a shame, a waste. 200 00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,100 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -No. (LAUGHS) What I mean is, 201 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,685 I was gonna say you would have lovely children, 202 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,438 but then, children of incest are plain looking, aren't they? 203 00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:01,856 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Not that yours would be. 204 00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,232 -Yours would be lovely. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 205 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,400 If you're planning to have them. 206 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,027 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Shit. 207 00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:08,112 Did you just tell them their incest children would be plain? 208 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,989 Yes. Yes, that's what just happened. 209 00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:11,866 You know, Rav, I think conversation 210 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,201 isn't your natural medium. 211 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,203 I think you'd do better with a grand gesture. 212 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,412 Like, a "you go girl" moment. 213 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:18,414 Okay, yeah, like 10,000 points for Rav. 214 00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:20,374 Yes. Yes. As long as you're not talking, 215 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,375 -I think you're-- Oh! -Oh. 216 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,543 -After you. -(DEVICE PINGS) 217 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:23,628 -Hurry up. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 218 00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:24,754 I'm sorry. Oh, shit. 219 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:25,922 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 220 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,257 RYAN: You have five hours of ranking left. 221 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,675 Five hours. 222 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,346 (DEVICE PINGING) 223 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:37,099 What are you doing? 224 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,976 You just have to smile for the cameras. It's easy. 225 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,604 I know the intersection points where I can hit multiple cameras 226 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,273 at once. It's efficient and avoids cheek fatigue. 227 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,068 (DEVICE PINGING) 228 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,195 Uh, is it okay if I join you? 229 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:51,405 -Absolutely not. -(DEVICE PINGING) 230 00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:53,824 (DEVICE PINGS) 231 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:59,205 You know, I say screw the rankings. 232 00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:00,998 -I am not looking. -Yeah. 233 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,291 I don't... (SCOFFS) 234 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,585 (DEVICE PINGS) 235 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,130 -Or maybe we should... -Way ahead of you. 236 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,383 Four thousand four hundred seventy-two. 237 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,051 Five thousand three hundred and forty-seven. 238 00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,803 I can't-- I can't believe it. I'm number two. 239 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,639 How--? Really? Oh, I'm so pleased for you. 240 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,599 -(DEVICE PINGS) -That makes me so happy. 241 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,811 (CHUCKLES) Wait. Who's number one? 242 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:24,230 Who the fuck is better than me? 243 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,774 She's a real number two, all right. 244 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:28,276 -(JAZZ CHUCKLES) -(DEVICE PINGS) 245 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:29,860 Looks like the algorithm likes your joke. 246 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,530 Does it find me attractive, too? Maybe I could take it to dinner. 247 00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:33,948 -(JAZZ LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGING) 248 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,325 -You're on a roll. -Yeah, I think I'm gonna 249 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,660 head up to the bar. 250 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,328 CHARLES: I don't believe this. You told us 251 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,039 it was about where we live, not whether we live. 252 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,002 -I really did love you, Ryan. -(DEVICE PINGS) 253 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,839 Oh, my God. You actually did. 254 00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:51,507 -I did, too. -(DEVICE PINGS) 255 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,551 I did wonder. 256 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,011 You always seemed to be two drinks short 257 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,721 of curling up in my laundry. 258 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,349 So, where do we go from here? 259 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,936 -Uh, I don't know. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 260 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,690 Okay, por dios. 261 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:11,652 I love you both equally, but differently. 262 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:12,778 (DEVICE PINGS) 263 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,239 Well, this is a lot to take in. 264 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,325 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -What? 265 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,994 (BOTH GRUNT) 266 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:23,706 -(PASSENGER 1 YELPS) -(PASSENGER 2 SCREAMS) 267 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,000 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -I-- I didn't do anything. 268 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,502 Unless I'm being penalized for existing. 269 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,713 (SCREAMS) 270 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:31,881 -(BABY CRIES) -(SCREAMS) 271 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,549 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -See, this has just tipped over 272 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:34,800 -into bullying. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 273 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,302 -I'm gonna have to sort this out. -(DEVICE BUZZING) 274 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,179 Guys, you know, I am getting so old. 275 00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:40,431 You know, when I go to the toilet, I don't take a book. 276 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:42,683 -I take an encyclopedia. -(CROWD LAUGHS) 277 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,727 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Back in the game. 278 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,729 Now let me tell you about my brother, Larry. 279 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,898 I don't wanna say he's unhygienic, but my God, 280 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,441 the only time he washes behind his ears 281 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,193 is when he's eating a slice of watermelon. 282 00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,861 -(CROWD LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 283 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,488 You ever wonder why the word "monosyllabic" 284 00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:57,239 has five syllables? 285 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,700 Huh? Boy, that kind of split the room. 286 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,870 Spike is gonna drop the mic and I'll be back in five. 287 00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:04,372 Thank you. 288 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,332 Uh, number one stuck in your craw? 289 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:09,168 You know that old folk song, "Simply the Best"? 290 00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,796 That's my funeral song. Not "Simply the Second Best." 291 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,214 You know why? 'Cause that's not a song! 292 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:16,759 -(COMMUNICATOR BEEPS) -Message. It's from number one. 293 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,720 "Meet me at Judd's statue." 294 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,347 How are we looking? 295 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:22,765 We're both trending below cannibal. 296 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,266 -(SCOFFS) What? -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 297 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:28,354 RYAN: You have two hours of ranking left. Two hours. 298 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,398 Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it, Doug. 299 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:33,651 -No, I'll think of something. -No, I think the baby's coming! 300 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,112 -It's too early. -It's not checking into a hotel. 301 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,823 It's literally coming out of my body right now! 302 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,908 -Oh. All right. Towels! Do we need towels? -(GROANS) 303 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,910 No, fuck towels! I need drugs! 304 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,912 Women want to be unconscious! 305 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,831 (BABY CRIES) 306 00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:48,416 Hey, my hat! 307 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,501 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Fuck. 308 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:51,877 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Fuck. 309 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,129 (DEVICE BUZZES) 310 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,548 Judd's ranking advice. Hi, how are ya? 311 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,883 I was told if I kept smiling, I'd be fine, 312 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,927 um, but my ranking's lower than snake shit. 313 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,470 I think it's because whatever's happening 314 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,305 on your face right now isn't a smile. 315 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:04,432 -It's more like a smirk. -Oh. 316 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,684 I want you to watch me. See this? See this? 317 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,477 You see? You see what I'm doing right now? 318 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,479 That's a fucking happy factory right there. 319 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,106 There's thousands of people working up there 320 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,357 making nothing but joy. 321 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:16,360 -I'm smiling. -No. You maybe have 322 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,362 -minor nerve damage or something? -No. 323 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,197 I would maybe get your hands on some Botox 324 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,449 and a disgraced surgeon. 325 00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:24,869 Judd, your algorithm inexplicably despises me. 326 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,078 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -See? 327 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,497 It's actually a very simple system. 328 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,332 It's, um... 329 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,501 -How do you turn it on? -Don't you use it? 330 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,170 No. I can't be in my own app 331 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,838 because then it would achieve singularity. 332 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,299 -You just press that down there. -Oh. 333 00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:39,967 And let's just... 334 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,511 Fuck. 335 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,889 -Are you low? -(SCOFFS) As if. 336 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:46,891 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -RYAN: (LAUGHS) That is very cheering. 337 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:48,684 The German word for what I'm feeling now 338 00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,519 is "Schitting Fantastiche." 339 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,354 Okay, um, I could really use your help right now. 340 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,149 Could you maybe tell me some of your problems or whatever? 341 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:57,735 -I'd be doing you a favor. -(DEVICE PINGS) 342 00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,988 -So, I'm in love with a woman. -Which is great. 343 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:03,866 -But she's married. -Which is... bad? 344 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,911 Well, y-- yeah. The marriage is complicated. The thing is-- 345 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:08,329 Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. 346 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,164 Is this a problem that I can solve with either money 347 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,583 -or aggressive legal action? -Uh, probably not. 348 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:14,001 Then this is not gonna work for me. 349 00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:16,545 I need points, Ryan. I am desperate for points. 350 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,214 -I will pay for points. -Christ. You're like 351 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,466 an upturned turtle, aren't you? 352 00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,551 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -I'll take the hit on that. 353 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,011 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -RAV: Excellent. 354 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,221 Ooh, well done, you, sir. 355 00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,431 You-- you-- Oh, fantastic! Everyone's a winner. 356 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,099 -(DEVICE PINGS) -No, soccer's the winner! 357 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,101 -(COUGHING) -Help! Somebody help! 358 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,229 Oh, God, that man's choking! He's choking! Somebody help him! 359 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:34,480 -Somebody help him! -Rav, look at me. 360 00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:35,898 Saving a life is a rankings bonanza. 361 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,650 -Oh, God. -Come on. 362 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,693 -I don't know what I'm doing! What am I gonna do? Help me! -Give him the Heimlich! 363 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:40,903 -I don't know the Heimlich. -I know the Heimlich. 364 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,196 -No, no. She's got it. -Do I just pump him? 365 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,739 -Pump. Pump. -I'm here to help you! 366 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:44,990 You're helping each other. 367 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,825 -I think you have to do it harder! -It's not work-- 368 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:47,868 He's bloody heavy! 369 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,371 She's saving him! She's saving him. 370 00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,292 Thanks. 371 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,921 Well, it's an easy mistake to make. 372 00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,757 You know, a heart attack is often indistinguishable 373 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,925 from choking. 374 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,426 Hey. Hey, let me help you with that. 375 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,386 -No, thank you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 376 00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:06,720 -Let me help you with your bag. -No. 377 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,347 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -Please, please! 378 00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:09,807 -No. -HERMAN JUDD: Fuck. 379 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,269 Hey, Iris. How are you? 380 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,645 That's confidential information. 381 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,356 -Damn it. -Everything okay, Iris? 382 00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:20,442 The algorithm seems to have figured out my smile hustle. 383 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,653 Is the algo evolving? 384 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:25,739 Well, if it is, then we must evolve too. 385 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,826 Like how bears learned to dance. 386 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,746 Um, I would like you, Iris, to be my friend 387 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,916 slash employee again. My friend-ployee. 388 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,961 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Did you say that for the rank? 389 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,713 -No. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 390 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,507 Yes. Yes. I said the friend thing for the rank. 391 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,844 And then I said that I said it for the rank for the rank, too. 392 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,387 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Okay. 393 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,222 For this to happen, you're gonna have to treat me 394 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,473 like a human being, because I am. 395 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,683 You are like a human being. 396 00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,185 I am a human being, damn it, and I want respect. 397 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,396 -I respect you so much. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 398 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:03,652 Okay, I will do my best to make the respect happen. 399 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,114 -(DEVICE PINGS) -You also need to drop all the lawsuits against me. 400 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,991 -Even the fun ones? -Yes. 401 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,910 Okay. Okay. 402 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,788 -Oh, man. I missed you, Iris. -(DEVICE PINGS) 403 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,291 -I missed you, too. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 404 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,126 -You lying fuck. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 405 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,502 -Goddammit, Iris. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 406 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,588 -You're really fucking me here. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 407 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,715 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 408 00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:27,343 BILLIE MCEVOY: Hello? Number one? 409 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,762 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 410 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,143 (CHUCKLES) So... oh. 411 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,939 The cream has risen. We are the cream. 412 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,651 -Be the cream. -(DEVICE PINGS) 413 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,195 What the fuck? You? 414 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,822 -The best of us is Mads. -(DEVICE PINGS) 415 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:53,661 You are two. I is one. We are three. Pronounced "free." 416 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,496 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Oh. 417 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:58,040 Oh, I see. No, no, no, it doesn't understand you. 418 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,751 You're just saying nonsense confidently 419 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,252 and you have cheekbones. 420 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,672 Billie, don't overthink it. It's a very, 421 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,965 -very number two thing to do. -(DEVICE PINGS) 422 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,759 Just accept that I am the king of this ship 423 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:11,679 -and you are basically my-- -If you dare say queen, 424 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:14,848 I will gouge out your tongue with my thumbs. 425 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,685 No. I was going to say my jester. 426 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,603 Your jester? 427 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,940 Tongues are too slippery to gouge, you silly jester. 428 00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:24,441 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Ugh, this is ridiculous. 429 00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:25,526 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Oh! 430 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,611 You are the stupidest computer I've ever met. 431 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:31,031 I'm gonna turn you off before you make me hate numbers. 432 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,867 -(CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 433 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:38,038 I'm, uh, I'm actually bisexual. I've had sex twice. 434 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:38,956 (CROWD LAUGHS) 435 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,500 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Spike slam. (CHUCKLES) 436 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,169 You know, people say to me, they say, "Gosh, was it scary, 437 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,338 walking on Mars?" I say, "I don't know. 438 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,257 I had my eyes closed the whole time." 439 00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,551 -(CROWD LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 440 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,177 You know, my, uh, fourth wife... 441 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:53,303 -Fuck! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 442 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,097 Okay, this-- here-- There's nobody in here. 443 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,433 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -DOUG: See, that's not helping our rankings, honey. 444 00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,560 Maybe you could just smile through the pain? 445 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:00,686 I hope your ass splits 446 00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:02,229 -and a bus falls out! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 447 00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:03,731 I completely understand your hatred, honey. 448 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,065 -IRIS: I hear screaming. -(DEVICE PINGS) 449 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,400 MATT: No, no, no. I can't get involved. 450 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,485 God, we're so fucked. Babe, can I hold-- I need to-- 451 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,945 What are you doing with your hands? 452 00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:12,448 Oh, my God, the baby's coming. I've never seen a real birth. 453 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,741 I mean, aside from my own, 454 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,577 but that was a cesarian, so I missed the money shot. 455 00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,246 Sadly, I am a midwife only to disaster. 456 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,707 What is this, cervix tourism? Two tickets to see 457 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,709 -a woman being split in half? -(DEVICE BUZZES) 458 00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,294 (CHUCKLES) You mean like the ship? 459 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,587 The ship is being split in half? 460 00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:27,963 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Yeah, so the missile-- 461 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:28,964 -Missile? -What? 462 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,299 You know what? If you push hard enough, 463 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,301 you could suffocate Matt with a flying placenta. 464 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,303 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Wait, is that why you're ranking us? 465 00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:35,888 -No! No. -(DEVICE BUZZING) 466 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,639 Right, stand back. Here I come. 467 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,475 Auntie Iris gonna land this baby. 468 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,226 -I'm not shitting out a shuttle! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 469 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,853 -Just smile, like me. -(DEVICE PINGS) 470 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,480 I can't get involved because last time 471 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,148 I got involved in a medical emergency, 472 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,107 a bald man died. 473 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,776 Be uninvolved more quietly, please. 474 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,110 MATT: But doesn't she need a doctor? 475 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,945 -Okay, baby. Smile! -IRIS: Push! 476 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,405 -Smile! -Push! 477 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,365 -(GROANS) -(WHISPERING) Sound happy. There are mics everywhere. 478 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,326 Just picture stroking her squidgy little cheeks 479 00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:59,453 -while she's sleeping. -I can't! I can't! 480 00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:00,788 Fucking picture it! 481 00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:02,080 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 482 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,625 You have five minutes of ranking left. 483 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,543 -Five minutes. -(BABY COOS) 484 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,295 I stepped back and you all flourished. 485 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:11,006 -Isn't that interesting? -If you said it, no. 486 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:13,383 -♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -DOUG: Oh, wow. 487 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,345 -You're a mother, Mia. -(DEVICE PINGS) 488 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,639 -And I'm a father. -(DEVICE PINGS, BUZZES) 489 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,145 (DEVICE BUZZES) 490 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,897 -RYAN: Karen! Karen! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 491 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:27,940 What are you doing? 492 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:30,192 KAREN: I'm fruit effing your rank. 493 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:33,779 You called me an anal verruca, and it hurt. 494 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,865 -You mind taking that off? -KAREN: You said you hated me. 495 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,827 (SCOFFS) The algorithm was fooled by that? 496 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,162 -Look, I don't hate you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 497 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,539 -Yeah, I do hate you. -(DEVICE PINGS) 498 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,707 But there are tons of people I hate more than you. 499 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,584 Matt and Judd, they're the top ten 500 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,378 -all by themselves. -(DEVICE PINGS) 501 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,713 -Really? -RYAN: Yes. Look at you. 502 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,966 You're intelligent. Relentless. 503 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,510 Not relentless. You're-- you're consistent. 504 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:57,886 And you get things done. 505 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,513 Things that don't want to be done. 506 00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,598 It's actually annoyingly brilliant. 507 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:02,724 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 508 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,394 -But I-- I am sorry. -(DEVICE PINGS) 509 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:08,355 You know, we always hurt the ones we love. 510 00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:10,482 Yeah, that's not where this is headed. 511 00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:15,028 Hey. I'm your fruit monster. I'm sorry. 512 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,405 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Oh. 513 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,700 -(GASPS) Points for Karen. Ah! -♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪ 514 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:22,703 Can someone please explain to me why she's shitting around 515 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:23,871 and getting rewarded for it? 516 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,914 What kind of value system is that 517 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,541 and how may I exploit it? 518 00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:29,501 No, it's rewarding her apologizing. 519 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,421 The algorithm is learning to love a teachable moment. 520 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:34,256 -(DEVICE PINGS) -So, wait a minute. If I... 521 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:37,384 If I were to call Matt, as I have many times, 522 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,220 a dead-eyed masturbating parakeet, 523 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,639 and then apologize for it, "I'm sorry, Matt," 524 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,933 -I get points for that? -(DEVICE PINGS) 525 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,352 No need to apologize. I mean, I-- I'm flattered 526 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,354 you think I have the vibrancy of a parakeet 527 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:53,066 or the energy to feather my cloaca to completion. 528 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,276 (DEVICE PINGS) 529 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,486 I'm gonna go prepare my nest for impact. 530 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,531 Doesn't that mean everybody's just gonna go full metal asshole 531 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,491 and then apologize to each other right after? 532 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,369 -Yeah? (GRUNTS) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 533 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:05,913 Uh, I-- I am so sorry, Spike. 534 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,706 -That was an error in judgement. -(DEVICE PINGS) 535 00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:09,082 -Fuck you! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 536 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,002 I'm so sorry I said that, Jaden. I've grown so much since then. 537 00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:14,129 -(DEVICE PINGS) -♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 538 00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:16,632 FRANK: You are indistinguishable from my mother. 539 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,134 -I can't believe I married you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 540 00:20:19,217 --> 00:20:20,177 Not now, Frank. 541 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,470 -See, I'm sorry. See? -(DEVICE PINGS) 542 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,722 -(GRUNTS) I'm sorry. So sorry. -(DEVICES PINGING) 543 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,974 -(DEVICES BUZZING) -PASSENGER 1: Sorry! 544 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,643 Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. 545 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,686 -PASSENGER 2: Sorry! -PASSENGER 3: (GRUNTS) Sorry, sorry. 546 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,355 I think we should shut the ranking off 547 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:32,940 -for the good of mankind. -(DEVICE PINGS) 548 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,441 Not because you're in the bottom half? 549 00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:37,110 No. No, 'cause actually, because I just said 550 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,779 that nice thing about mankind, 551 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,489 I'm actually in the safe zone again. 552 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:42,115 IRIS: Okay. You still want me to turn it off? 553 00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:43,951 -PASSENGER 4: Sorry! -No. No. 554 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,577 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Because, for whatever reason, 555 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,663 I don't feel very bothered by it now. 556 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,374 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Goddammit. Uh, yeah. Yeah. 557 00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:52,292 I should shut it off. (SCREAMS) 558 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:53,627 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -PASSENGER 5: Sorry! 559 00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,170 I now believe your husband may have been killed 560 00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:58,090 by his own heart whilst I was trying to save him from choking 561 00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:01,176 on what turned out to be nothing. 562 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:04,137 -Um, but never the, uh, less... -Let me be sorry! 563 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,389 I-- I just wanted to say, 564 00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:07,432 he seemed like the most wonderful, 565 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,603 bulky man. I am so sorry. 566 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,981 -(DEVICE PINGING) -Oh, big upgrade! 567 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,774 -(PASSENGERS SCREAMING) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 568 00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,442 -PASSENGER 6: Sorry! -(DEVICE PINGS) 569 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,069 COMPUTER VOICE: Ranking complete. 570 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,196 Ranking complete. 571 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,368 -♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 572 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,953 RYAN: Uh, this is just a reminder, 573 00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:29,246 you only have a couple of minutes left. 574 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:32,082 If you ranked between one and 3000, 575 00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:33,834 please head for the front of the ship. 576 00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:36,003 Everyone else, head to the back. 577 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,422 -RYAN: Elena. -Ryan? 578 00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:41,216 I'm 3,942. What are... 579 00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:42,551 What are you doing? 580 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,302 -Here. -What is this? 581 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,765 -I love you, Elena. -I love you. 582 00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,269 Five thousand nine hundred and sixty-three is... 583 00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:53,520 Yeah, sorry, Charles. 584 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,188 Maybe I'll save you in the next life. 585 00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:58,191 -ELENA: Mi amor. -RYAN: Be safe, my darling. 586 00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:01,695 ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 587 00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:08,160 -Billie, you're joining us. -But you're number two. 588 00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:11,496 Yeah, but we're engineers, so... 589 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,206 we should be with the engines, right? 590 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:17,210 You're right. Yeah. Grease and math, my two pillars. 591 00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:20,380 How did you do in the end? 592 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:22,174 Uh, it was good, but then bad. 593 00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:23,925 Apparently, my jokes are offensive. 594 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,969 I got complaints from bisexuals, 595 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:28,597 people who don't know the meaning of the word "monosyllabic," 596 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,224 folks who are allergic to watermelon. 597 00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:33,435 DOUG: Looks like there's a dipes to clean. 598 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:35,062 -(CHUCKLES) -You know, after this one, 599 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:36,396 it gets all yellow and seedy. 600 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,024 -Okay, well, that's unpleasant. -I'll deal with those ones. 601 00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,276 Oh, I like Daddy Doug. 602 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,236 That's why we got in the top half, baby. 603 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,863 -I'll get the wipes. -(CHUCKLES) Okay. 604 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:48,700 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. -Remember me. 605 00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,411 Tell my story. 606 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,706 -Do not believe the accusers. -AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. 607 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,583 I've wished him away in the past, 608 00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,627 but this is as sad as a graveyard sunset. 609 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,298 At least he'll live on through all this branding. 610 00:23:03,381 --> 00:23:04,633 I'll give him three minutes. 611 00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:06,134 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 612 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,804 Make way for King Mads of the front section. 613 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,807 Happy birthday to everyone who has a birthday. 614 00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,851 BILLIE: Hey, this is the back. What are you doing here? 615 00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:16,061 What are you doing here? 616 00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:18,522 The algorithm peg you as an engine jockey? 617 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,148 Yeah. 618 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,484 Slammed you as an emotionally incontinent 619 00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:23,860 walking bald patch? 620 00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,696 -Exactly. -AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten seconds. 621 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:29,407 -Ready? -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 622 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:35,080 Let bisection commence in three, two, one. 623 00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,249 (WALLS RUMBLING) 624 00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:39,167 -PASSENGER 1: Wait! -(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) 625 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,752 PASSENGER 2: There's a wall coming down! 626 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,379 MIA: Oh, babe, I put them over here. 627 00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:46,842 No, Doug! The doors! The doors! Doug! Doug! Doug! 628 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:51,429 -(DOG BARKS) -Buddy! Buddy! 629 00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:54,599 There's a big-ass missile locked onto this side! 630 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:57,435 Lock onto me if you wanna live! Ah! 631 00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:00,856 (PASSENGERS YELLING) 632 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:14,411 (LAUGHS) You can never thank me enough! 633 00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,705 I'm a space Moses! 634 00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:18,206 -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) -Listen, 635 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:21,209 there is indeed a missile coming towards the ship, 636 00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,545 and I have to tell you now that it is most probably 637 00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:25,130 aiming for the back of the ship. 638 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:27,007 -(ALL GASP) -RYAN: Where we are. 639 00:24:27,090 --> 00:24:28,884 AUTOMATED VOICE: Sixty seconds to division. 640 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:30,719 All the bodies that Judd took over there 641 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,137 means more body heat in the front, 642 00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,889 so the missile probably hits them now, right? 643 00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,974 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. -Yeah, I think so. I mean, 644 00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:37,642 it's programmed for mass destruction. 645 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,895 It's a real mass-hole. 646 00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:43,940 Right. I don't care if the whole ship hears. 647 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:45,275 I love you, Elena. 648 00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:47,485 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. -I love you so much, 649 00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:49,988 and it's an honor, truly, to lay down my life 650 00:24:50,071 --> 00:24:52,324 -for you and for-- -BILLIE: (WHISPERING) Ryan. 651 00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:53,658 Sorry, just one second. 652 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,037 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 653 00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:02,542 Judd! You... gurning hemorrhoid. 654 00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:07,589 You've just taken a giant J-shaped shit on my sacrifice! 655 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:09,132 AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty seconds. 656 00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:10,467 Elena, I'm sorry 657 00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:13,094 that this is the last thing you're gonna hear me say. 658 00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:14,763 AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten... 659 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:16,598 I mean, there were some really lovely bits 660 00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,975 for her to think about. 661 00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:22,771 AUTOMATED VOICE: Five, four, three, 662 00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,899 two, one. 663 00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:27,692 (RUMBLING) 664 00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:31,404 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 665 00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:34,824 -MIA: Doug! Doug! -Mia? 666 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,118 MIA: Support the head! 667 00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:39,287 Mia! 668 00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:46,670 PASSENGER: Buddy! 669 00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:52,842 MIA: What's going on? 670 00:25:58,223 --> 00:25:59,516 -RYAN: Elena! -CHARLES: Elena! 671 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:03,103 -RYAN: Elena! -CHARLES: Elena! 672 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,780 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ 673 00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:04,998 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪