1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,000 This programme contains strong language and adult content 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,720 Statistics show that one in every one people will eventually die. 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,360 But...it's shit when they're 56, and your dad, 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,880 and the only one who knew the Sky Movies PIN. 5 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,040 Now, this isn't me. I looked nothing like this at 17, 6 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,120 but if you can't cast yourself as better looking 7 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,320 in your own life-story, then what's the point? 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,520 So for all intents and purposes, we are both me. 9 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,080 Hi. I'm Jack. 10 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,120 And this is my mum, Peggy. 11 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:37,240 She's like a cross between Gwen from Gavin And Stacey 12 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,200 and Pam from...Gavin and Stacey, 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,760 which means she's the sort of woman who jumps when the doorbell rings. 14 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,640 DOORBELL RINGS What the fuck is that?! 15 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,840 And that first year without Dad was...weird. 16 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,160 Our neighbours showed that they cared 17 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,960 by discreetly dumping lasagnes on the doorstep, 18 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,880 like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks from number 18 was my favourite, 19 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,920 but Mum reckoned she bought it from Costco. 20 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,360 Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more. 21 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,280 HE SIGHS We took in 26 in total. 22 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,240 Then it took me 57 days to even have a wank, 23 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,280 mainly cos everyone kept saying things like... 24 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,320 He'll always be watching over you. Keeping an eye out. Looking down on you. 25 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,800 Poor bloke didn't even know I was a gay, 26 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,400 and now he could see me bash 'em out over lookalikes like Cantona. 27 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,080 Mum soon worried we'd comfort-eat too much, 28 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,600 sat on our arses watching telly, so... 29 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,000 ..we went a bit mad in the January sales. 30 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,560 You all right? Ever since we'd found out Dad was ill, 31 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,200 me and Peggy had stuck together like Phillip Schofield 32 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,200 and Holly Willoughby. But...deep down, we were sad, 33 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,000 like Eamonn and Ruth, so we'd take it in turns 34 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,360 to look after each other. I'd read feminist literature 35 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,840 on what it's like to become an early widow, 36 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,720 and she'd read me the TV guide any time I had a panic attack. 37 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,120 "8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has no memory of the last decade, 38 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:59,280 leaving husband Colin Firth to explain daily who he is, till a... 39 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,160 surretitus... 40 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,040 surra-..." Surreptitious! 41 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,480 .."surreptitious gift of a video camera 42 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,680 helps piece together her past." 43 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,920 Ahhh. That's nice. 44 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960 My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo would often drop by 45 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,800 to play the ITV classic, Golden Balls, the official board game. 46 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,080 Deliberation...over. 20 grand's at stake. 47 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,520 You've each selected split or steal. On the count of three, 48 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,400 reveal your balls. Uno, dos, a-trefe. 49 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,920 SHE CACKLES That's well harsh. 50 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,560 It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's just dropped dead with cancer. 51 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,080 If I wanna steal 20K, I'll steal 20K. 52 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,600 OK? 53 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,000 No-one in our family even had GCSEs, 54 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,640 let alone A levels. So when I got three As 55 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,840 and into the local uni on a journalism scholarship, 56 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,320 it was a big win for the team. 57 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,640 THEY LAUGH I knew you'd do it. 58 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,480 And then... 59 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,480 this day came... 60 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,200 DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE 61 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,680 ..and I just couldn't get out of bed... 62 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,760 ..for ages. 63 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,200 To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish named after my favourite journalist, 64 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,440 but even that wasn't enough. 65 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,840 Mum rang uni, who let me defer a year, 66 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,160 and so...I just had to wait. 67 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,320 FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC 68 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,400 Careful! 69 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,240 ALL CHEER AND SHOUT 70 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,920 My dad's cab was the only thing big enough for all my stuff. 71 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,240 Mum had started driving it, which was very sweet, 72 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,280 but almost certainly illegal. 73 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,880 Hiya! I'm Jules! 74 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,120 Jules loved uni so much she got a job in the student union, 75 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,680 forgot she was ever studying Mandarin, and has never left. 76 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,040 Welcome to the best three years of your life, 77 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,200 and that's just for your mum. JULES LAUGHS 78 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,240 Can I have your name? Jack Rooke. 79 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,280 Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK. 80 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:12,720 Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have a little bit of a situation, right. 81 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,760 Um, you won't be in halls straight away, 82 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,640 but we do have some alternative accommodation on site. OK? 83 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,600 Why ain't he movin' in here? No, we just need to renovate 84 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,760 some of the rooms because of the leaks. Leaks?! 85 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,480 Yeah, but don't worry. It's not water damage. Just a bit of gas. 86 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:30,840 OK, guys, do you wanna follow me? JULES LAUGHS 87 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,080 This way. 88 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,160 LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC 89 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,960 All right? Right, gang. 90 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,800 Er, right. Have I lost you? Are you there? 91 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:47,040 There you are. SINGING: It's your first day, it's your first day! 92 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,560 SHE PANTS Right. Sorry. 93 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,920 It's actually a lot... lot further than I thought. 94 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,720 SHE LAUGHS Well, welcome. Bienvenue. 95 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,120 Han yang. SHE LAUGHS 96 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,520 OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke. It's a joke. 97 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,800 No, I'm j-... I'm joking. No, it's your accommodation. 98 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,440 Fuck sake! 99 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,480 All right. Let's get you settled in, shall we? 100 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,640 Oh, sorry. Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny. 101 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,960 Danny, meet Jack. Hello. We just thought 102 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,920 we'd put you two mature students together. Yeah, lovely! 103 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,760 I... I only deferred one year. I'm... I'm 19. 104 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,040 Yeah, I'm... I'm a bit older than that, but... 105 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,360 You're 25!Yeah! SHE LAUGHS 106 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,160 I know that. Have you been to Center Parcs? 107 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,200 It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK. 108 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,600 All right. Better go. No rest, work and all that. 109 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,400 See you later, Mum! JULES LAUGHS 110 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,000 PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye. Bye! 111 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,600 Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny". 112 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,720 Cockney rhyming slang for fanny, innit? Oh! 113 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,360 PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH 114 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640 ELECTRICITY BUZZES 115 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,440 Ah, shit! 116 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,240 On the scale of injustice, 117 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,800 this felt like when Gamu didn't get through to the live shows 118 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,480 on X Factor. 119 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,360 We decided to decorate this ex-classroom 120 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,920 exactly like my room at home. Mum had got the idea 121 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,240 off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs, cos Battersea recommend it 122 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,480 for any newly-housed pet going through trauma. 123 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,440 And I just put a little bowl of Bombay mix here 124 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,000 in case you get any guests. Mum! No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay mix. 125 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,320 Well, it's just a nice touch, innit? 126 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,600 LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS 127 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,840 ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND 128 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:40,800 Before I go, I've got to give you this, from your old man, for you 129 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,840 on your first day at uni. 130 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,160 But he didn't even know if I'd get in. 131 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,160 Oh, come off it. We all knew you'd get in, you fucking geek. 132 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,320 THEY LAUGH 133 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,560 But, no, you're right. He did write two versions just in case. 134 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,000 HE SIGHS 135 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,520 I really do miss him, Mum. 136 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,240 Two years tomorrow. 137 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,520 SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY 138 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,160 Mad! 139 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,600 I'd often try not to cry aloud. Not cos I wanted to be macho, 140 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,640 just cos my cry sounds like Jimmy Carr's laugh. 141 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,640 HE WAILS / SOBS WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND 142 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,480 JACK CONTINUES TO CRY WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND 143 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,200 HE CONTINUES TO SOB 144 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,400 Oh, come on. This is a happy moment. 145 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,040 Get to know that Danny lad. Seems nice. 146 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,080 He looks like a Take Me Out contestant. 147 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,280 Well, I'd keep MY light on for him. 148 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,920 Ahhh, hope you meet a lovely girl here. 149 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,920 Be nice for you to be the one with a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it? 150 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,000 When I was nine, Mum winced watching Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley 151 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,240 in Corrie, so I daredn't say. 152 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,680 Mum, will people think I fancy if I hang her above my bed instead? 153 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,440 Nah. Poor girl's got enough on her plate 154 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,280 without YOU fancying her. SHE LAUGHS 155 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,440 SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM Oh, my...! 156 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,000 Oh, shit! That's a window! Sorry about that, Danny! 157 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,800 Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum! Don't worry! 158 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,080 We've all got to de-stress somehow! 159 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,200 Oh, well, look, we'll have you round ours for dinner sometime! 160 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,160 Do you like lasagne? Yeah, I love lasagne! 161 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,160 DOOR CLICKS Oh, God! 162 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:31,080 Make sure you check for skid marks before you do your laundry. Yes! 163 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,560 And don't forget to change the fish-bowl water. Yes. 164 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,400 I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die in a pool of her own shit. Yes. 165 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,600 HE SIGHS 166 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,360 I love you. 167 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,560 You sure you're gonna be OK? 168 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,480 I love you too, my babe. 169 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,800 SHE STARTS ENGINE 170 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,040 And that was it. 171 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,040 After a year of watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning 172 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440 and Loose Women religiously together, 173 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,720 I'd finally left my mum. 174 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,200 And even though she was ten minutes up the road, 175 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,680 I suddenly felt a million miles from home. 176 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,880 SONG: If I Leave Here Tomorrow by Lynyrd Skynyrd 177 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:25,400 # If I leave here tomorrow SHE SINGS ALONG 178 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,800 SHE SOBS 179 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,120 # Would you still remember me? 180 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,960 HORN BEEPS Oh, mate! 181 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,800 You are right up my fucking arse! 182 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,920 # For I must be travellin'... # 183 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,960 JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC 184 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,040 DANNY LAUGHS 185 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,680 Yes, lad. You got the beers in. Like it. 186 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,640 Oh, no. I've got some ravioli. Oh, is it? Nice! 187 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,240 IN ITALIAN ACCENT: "It's Dolmio day!" 188 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,440 I love those guys. 189 00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,520 Oh, mate! 190 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,880 I'm so sorry, what you and your mum saw. 191 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040 It's fine. We weren't watching. DANNY LAUGHS 192 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,480 Your mum was havin' a little peek. 193 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,120 This is decent! Heads up. Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer. 194 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,240 Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice! 195 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,200 Er, yeah. I only really know of him as an actor. 196 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,560 He gets his willy out in the film You And The Night. 197 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,360 It's very artistic. 198 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,800 Oh, little bit of Bombay mix! HE BEATBOXES 199 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,360 Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh! 200 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:30,400 That's rough. So, what's the POA for tonight, fresher? 201 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,720 What? Plan of action. 202 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,440 Probably have an early one. Yeah, me too. 203 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,840 HE CHUCKLES 204 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,440 You joking? 205 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,800 Mate, it's fresher's night. There's fit birds to meet. 206 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,480 Spent a long day travelling, so... What? You live in Watford! 207 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,840 You told me. It's, like, 15 minutes up the road. 208 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,040 Bruv, come on. You can't expect me to go there bareback on my tod. 209 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,200 I need a wingman. Sorry. I... 210 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,360 Not tonight. 211 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,680 OK. All right, cool. 212 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,160 Enjoy your meal-for-one. 213 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,360 Fuck! DOOR CLICKS 214 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,320 Once I was finally alone, I took on the rite of passage 215 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,720 destined for people like me. I went to download Grindr. 216 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,320 But then... 217 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,360 JACK'S DAD: "Little man, oh, don't be disappointed 218 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,720 you ain't got into uni. Probably full of tossers anyway!" 219 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,200 "No-one we know's gone, and WE'VE all ended up OK." 220 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,360 Yeah. She'd given me the wrong letter. 221 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,560 "I hope Shannon's tag's off now." 222 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,200 "So go out there, meet folk, find a job, 223 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,360 and here's the score." 224 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,640 "Get a round in." JACK'S DAD LAUGHS 225 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,680 "Proud always. Dad." 226 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,680 SONG: Don't Burst My Bubble by Small World 227 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,640 # Uh-oh... 228 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,280 BEAT BUILDS FAST AND DROPS 229 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,040 # Uh-oh, you're in trouble 230 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,320 # I step up in the game and I burst that bubble 231 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,880 # Uh-oh... # 232 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,080 That is quite a fleece. It's called a Borg jacket. 233 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,600 That is a fleece. It's not a fleece. 234 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,720 It WAS a fleece. They weren't trendy in 2013, 235 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,200 whereas nowadays everyone's wearing 'em. 236 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,280 Right. One sec. Wallet, phone, mouthwash... 237 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,640 Do you want some mouthwash? I'm OK. 238 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,960 Cool. So, what's your type, Jacky? 239 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,360 Like what? Blood? 240 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,600 Yeah, blood. No, girls! 241 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,000 Oh! Er, I don't really have one. 242 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,120 HE CHUCKLES I say that sometimes. 243 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,280 Right. DANNY GRUNTS 244 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,200 Ohhhhhh! Come on, fleecey. 245 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,200 And so, after a year spent mainly in bed 246 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,800 eating Rustlers microwave burgers and watching Tumblr porn, 247 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,320 I suddenly found myself surrounded... by this. 248 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,400 DANCE MUSIC POUNDS 249 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,520 GIRLS SCREAM 250 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,840 MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE AND POUND 251 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,920 THEY SPEAK UNDER MUSIC 252 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,320 There you go, bruv. 253 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:22,040 Oh, well! If it ain't Dick and Dom in the bungalow! 254 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,680 Free condom? Ooh, yeah. Go on. 255 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,760 Are you sure? 256 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,760 I mean, look, no pressure, but trust me, 257 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,800 you don't wanna be caught with no johnnies 258 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,920 on Brent Uni fresher's night. 259 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,280 I learnt the hard way back in '03. 260 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,200 What, you used to study here? Class of Y2K, baby. 261 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,240 Yeah. See, that's what this place does. It, like, led me on the path 262 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,400 to my dream job. Wow! Great. Look, so, 263 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,960 when roughly do you think we're gonna get rooms in halls? 264 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,760 Oh, yeah. Um, really sad to say, but defs not gonna haps. 265 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,720 What? Jules, you said that the shed was temporary. 266 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,800 Hmm... SHE LAUGHS 267 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,440 Fuck! But halls is, like, the best thing about uni. 268 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,480 Yeah. The halls here are amazing, as well. 269 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,840 I had the best year of my life! I mean, apart from the fact 270 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,960 I had to live with a jihadist, but he sort of kept himself to himself, 271 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,600 really. Oh, er, this is Ash. Have you met Ash? 272 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,200 He's my right-hand man assistant. 273 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,960 Caught any scamps doing drugs? No! This lot seem a good bunch. 274 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,280 Oh, lush. All right, crew. I'll see you later. 275 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,880 Oh, yes. Time for a tres sours ice pup, methinks. 276 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,120 See ya. MUSIC POUNDS IN BACKGROUND 277 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,640 You guys having fun? Er, well, we just got here, so... 278 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,280 Need any gear, hit me up. 279 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,120 Ahhh. 280 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,160 All I ask is for your...discretion. 281 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,240 OK. All right. 282 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,480 VOICEOVER: Aside from chatting to drug dealers, the main purpose of fresher's 283 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:56,160 seemed to be finding the fittest person to use your free condoms on. 284 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,000 Right. Get your best chat ready. Right. We're going over. 285 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,920 No. I'm OK. Come on. Please! Please D. 286 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,480 Never have I ever taken it up the arse. 287 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,880 Er, never have I ever enjoyed this game. 288 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,160 Never have I ever seen such a table full of treasure. 289 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,960 SHE LAUGHS Aye. Fuck off. 290 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,520 What? What's your name? 291 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:23,400 I'm Danny. Debs. These are my halls mates, Pandora and Karen. 292 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,480 Hello. You all right? Kar-IN! 293 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,080 This is Jack. Say hello, Jack. Say hello, Jack. 294 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,280 Hello! 295 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,320 You take the one on the right. No, thank you. 296 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,760 What? How did she hear that? I can lip-read. 297 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,360 Why are you looking at my lips, darling? Just always checking for gobshites, "darling". 298 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:45,040 Hey. It's this one's turn, and she is being frigid as FUCK! 299 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,320 SHE LAUGHS I'm not frigid! 300 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,400 Seriously, I'm not frigid. 301 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,280 Hey. She's posh totty, Danny. Oh, nice! 302 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,320 OK, wait. I'm actually, like... 303 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,720 My dad is working-class. 304 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,960 You can't call yourself working-class 305 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,480 unless you've badly burned the roof of your mouth on a Greggs. 306 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,120 Mm! Right. See that burn there? 307 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,280 Steak Bake. 308 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,240 Steak Bake? Yeah. 309 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,000 OK. I've never actually been to Greggs, 310 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,120 but that doesn't make me a bad person. 311 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,720 No-one said it did, pet. But I bet you've never put a Ginsters 312 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,720 in the microwave. No. 313 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,800 OK, wait! I've got it! Oh, my God. 314 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,720 Never have I ever lived somewhere with a microwave. 315 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,040 Er...until today. 316 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,080 SHE LAUGHS Guilty. 317 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,600 Wait. What? How'd you cook beans, then? 318 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,640 On the hob. Next you'll be telling us you cook eggs in the oven. 319 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,120 Well, if I'm making a shakshuka, then, yeah! 320 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,600 SHE LAUGHS What the fuck is a shakshuka?! 321 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,720 HAND-DRYER WHIRS 322 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,400 DOOR CREAKS 323 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,640 Oh, dear! 324 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,840 Caught red-handed! Right! Hand them over. 325 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,960 Brent uni has a very strict no-drugs policy. 326 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,080 No, no, no, Jules. These aren't drugs-drugs, OK? 327 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,520 Oh! I couldn't give a shit if it's a Tic Tac, sweetheart! 328 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,560 Hand 'em over, please! OK, fine. There you go. 329 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,040 Thank you. They're prescription. OK. 330 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,240 I have to take them at night-time, so... OK. What are they for? 331 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,440 They're antidepressants. Antidepressants... 332 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,720 Read it. 333 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,280 Um... Yeah. 334 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,960 Cool. 335 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,080 Cool, cool. Cool? SHE CHUCKLES 336 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,040 Soz. Soz about that. It's fine. 337 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,560 Um...look, if I see you out on the D-floor, 338 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,520 well, you can have one on me. Wicked. Cheers. 339 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,400 All right. Good. All right. 340 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,560 All right. See you later. Soz about that. 341 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,720 Fucking nightmare! 342 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,080 MUSIC: Sandstorm by Darude 343 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,320 MUSIC POUNDS / GLASSES CLINK 344 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,000 Back in the olden days, men in bars 345 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,520 would wear different-colour handkerchiefs in back pockets 346 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,280 to discreetly signify homosexuality. 347 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,840 Then Pesos was invented, so now it's really easy. 348 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:21,320 I'm... I'm Jack. Fancy a drink? I've... I've quite a few. 349 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,720 Yeah, man. Did you get ditched? 350 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,560 Yeah. You too? I don't get ditched. 351 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,920 I'm here because my flatmates forced me to come, 352 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,840 but I've ditched them to just...observe. 353 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,120 HE SIGHS So, er... 354 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,200 what are you observing? 355 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,240 A relatively cute guy also wearing my top. 356 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,920 Oh! 357 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,400 HE GASPS Oh! 358 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,840 You meant me. 359 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,680 THEY LAUGH 360 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,720 Oh! Oh! OK. Don't worry about it. 361 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,840 Oh! No, no, no, no, no. Can we go somewhere a bit more... 362 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,800 Romantic, this, Jack. 363 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,560 Sorry. 364 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,680 And so this was the site of my third-ever snog, 365 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,360 after Amy Woods on my failed Duke of Edinburgh expedition, 366 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,240 and some old man who mistook me for his wife in Budgens. 367 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,720 And as I went down south, without a clue what I was doing, 368 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,840 I suddenly heard... 369 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,240 Argh! Agh! Fuck! 370 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,360 What do we do? What do we do? Don't move! Don't...move! 371 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,440 HE HYPERVENTILATES IN PANIC Oh, my God! 372 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,600 Agh! Argh! Agh! 373 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,840 Agh! Agh! ALARM BLARES 374 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,560 I gave him a hug, and we got tangled. 375 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,120 Well, Jack, next time you wanna hug, just ask me for one. 376 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,000 Actually, no, don't do that, cos that could constitute as misconduct. 377 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,800 MUSIC POUNDS What in the fuckin' tune is this? 378 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,560 Oh! Funny. SHE LAUGHS 379 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,760 HE GASPS IN RELIEF 380 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,360 Yeah, mate... I'm sorry. Don't even talk to me. 381 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,600 LAUGHTER 382 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,360 LAUGHTER ECHOES AND DISTORTS 383 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,120 MUSIC BLARES / LAUGHTER CONTINUES 384 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,880 MUSIC BLARES AND DISTORTS 385 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,320 MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE / HE SNIFFS 386 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,360 Hoi, Jack! 387 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,960 Where you going, fresher? Bed! 388 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,240 Well, you left without your fleece! 389 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,360 Jack, are you crying? 390 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,200 No. I... 391 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,360 I...I just wanna be asleep before midnight. 392 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,080 Ooh! What happens at midnight? 393 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,720 I just wanna be asleep, all right? Why? 394 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,000 Cos this is shit! 395 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,560 Everyone said...uni'll be fun, but... 396 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,640 ..the only reason I'm even here is cos I can't just 397 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,000 sit at home on the sofa with my mum any more. 398 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,480 OK. All right. Look, calm down. Just go back, all right? 399 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,280 Take this. Go on. Thanks, Danny. 400 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,520 Come on. Shakin' like a shitting dog, mate. 401 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,520 JACK LAUGHS Take a deep breath. 402 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,040 DANNY EXHALES All right? 403 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:19,160 All right, listen. If you could be doing ANYTHING right now, 404 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,720 what would you wanna do? 405 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,440 "8:50 PM. This revealing documentary explores the world 406 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,160 of circus children who turn serial killers." 407 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,480 Mmm. 408 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,720 Channel 5? Yes! 409 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,320 Obviously. I'm so good at this game. 410 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,560 You feeling better? Yeah. 411 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,120 Thanks, Danny. I just, like... 412 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,200 haven't really been around people much, 413 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,360 let alone guys, 414 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,800 so sometimes I just... 415 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,200 I don't... I don't really know how to talk to people. 416 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:59,280 Right. Imagine I'm some fit lad coming up to you, OK? 417 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,520 O...K. 418 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,800 Hi, geez. How's tricks, fella? 419 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,560 Um... Hello... 420 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,040 ..you. 421 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,360 Tricks... 422 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,960 are tricky. OK. 423 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,160 Or you could be a bit more confident, 424 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480 do you know what I mean? Bit sort of like... 425 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,800 "What's happenin', boss? Fancy getting your dick wet?" 426 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,800 Yeah! HE LAUGHS 427 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,240 But, er...I don't think that's gonna work for me. 428 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,880 OK, yeah, fair enough. You just stick with "Hello, you." 429 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,960 I'll stick with "Hello, you." 430 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,240 This was the first moment I felt I might cope at university. 431 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,520 The first moment my friendship with you began. 432 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,720 BANGING / CLATTERING 433 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,560 Fuck was that? 434 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,840 JULES SINGS DRUNKENLY Er... 435 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,160 Hiya, lads. 436 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,200 SHE SINGS / LAUGHS 437 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,240 Yeah, no. It's only me. Hiya. Just checkin' you're all right. 438 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,440 SHE LAUGHS 439 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,480 I just stole this fuckin' pizza! 440 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,000 LIGHTS BUZZ 441 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,000 Run! 442 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,160 Are you buying drugs? No! Leave it out. 443 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,640 Well, yeah, I am, actually. Hoi! 444 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840 I feel wonderful. 445 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,200 # Would you like us to assign someone to wear your model 446 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,480 # Excuse me? # What? # 447 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,400 I should send this parcel back to ISIS. ASOS. 448 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,080 Oh, yeah. 449 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,840 MUSIC POUNDS 450 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,120 BOTH SING LOUDLY: # Fix him a vodka, he's on his fuckin' vodka... # 451 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:36,280 Just don't do anything I wouldn't do. I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke, but you get what I mean. 452 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,120 # On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue 453 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,360 # On the chaise longue all day long 454 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,840 # On the chaise longue 455 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,080 # On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue 456 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,720 # On the chaise longue all day long 457 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,000 # On the chaise longue 458 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,160 # On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue 459 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,360 # On the chaise longue all day long 460 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:53,880 # On the chaise longue 461 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,120 # On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue 462 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,960 # On the chaise longue all day long. # 463 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,520 HAMMERING Oof! 464 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:01,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media