1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
My dad died
when he wasn't supposed to.

2
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:08,000
We were just at home watching Lulu
do the cha-cha-cha on Strictly.

3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,800
Only a two from Craig!

4
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:11,960
Pass me that phone, I'm voting.

5
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,040
Us older birds stick together.

6
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,640
At the hospice, I suspect
the matron was also watching,

7
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,600
cos we only got the call
after the scores came in.

8
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,720
We later found out that
for those 3½ minutes,

9
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:28,200
including Lulu's rehearsal VT,
no-one knew my dad had passed.

10
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,960
It was empty time.

11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,680
A bit like a meal in a Wetherspoons
that's ready for table 23,

12
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,320
but it's just waiting...

13
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,120
PHONE RINGS

14
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,000
..under a heat lamp...

15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,160
PHONE RINGS

16
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,560
..becoming more tragic
by the second.

17
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,840
SHE SOBS

18
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,560
THEY LAUGH

19
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,200
SHE SOBS

20
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,080
SHE LAUGHS

21
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,960
DRILL WHIRRS

22
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:08,200
This was the start of my mum's
obsession with DIY.

23
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,680
HAMMER THUDS

24
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,560
Ta-dah!

25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:18,160
Saw one of these in Matalan, and
the fuckers wanted 15.99 for it!

26
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,720
So, I made me own.

27
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,880
Oi, oi! Oh, nice sign!

28
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,720
Yeah, ain't it good
your mum lives so close?

29
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,480
SHE LAUGHS

30
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:32,040
You've got your whole life
ahead of you, to LIVE it,

31
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,280
to have a LAUGH
with some nice girls,

32
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,480
so that one day
you'll fall in LOVE.

33
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,520
And I got you some Tupperware,
so that you can keep your weed in.

34
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,000
I don't smoke! Well, should you
fancy a nice big fat blunt,

35
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,920
like your dad did on a Saturday,

36
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,360
then you've now got a concealed
receptacle. I'm not Dad!

37
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,080
It just might help you
find your crowd, my babes.

38
00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:01,240
Now, Danny, shall we go and erect
that shelf in your room?

39
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,560
Whoa! Haha! Let's hope you're
not the last bird in there

40
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,920
with a big tool in her hands!
BOTH LAUGH

41
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,760
No offence, but you've gotta
be seriously lame

42
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,840
if your mum is trying
to make you a stoner.

43
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:17,160
Anyway, that should read
"Live, laugh, love...lube."

44
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,800
Two-for-one in Boots, so,
you know, sharing's caring.

45
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,960
Thanks. Actually, that's a point,
do you not use,

46
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,760
like, a thicker lube
for the old bumhole?

47
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,640
I don't know if we use thicker lube.

48
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:26,960
I'll do some research.

49
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,680
Don't worry, OK, we're gonna have
you sliding in and out of fit lads

50
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,600
like Cantona in the '96 cup final.

51
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,600
JACK CHUCKLES

52
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,120
Au revoir.

53
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,920
Yoo-hoo!

54
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,760
Hi, guys, I just wanna say to you...

55
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,360
If you, if you...if you're talking
then it means you're not listening.

56
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,920
MEGAPHONE WHINES

57
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,920
Erm...

58
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,720
CUP CLATTERS
Thank you!

59
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,880
Erm, just to say,

60
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:03,760
welcome to this year's
keh-razy Brent Uni...

61
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,200
JACK: Freshers fair. Where everyone
tried to figure out

62
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,640
what else to do for three years

63
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,760
aside from make
pesto pasta and masturbate.

64
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,360
In the corner there is you,

65
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,480
stealing all the free shit
you can get your hands on,

66
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,640
including the charity
bake sale cakes for Kony 2012.

67
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,920
Mostly it was just
second-year drug dealers

68
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,280
trying to source new clients.

69
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,680
Yes, Jack. Look at this.

70
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,600
I just did a chlamydia test in
exchange for a free USB stick,

71
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,320
this place is fucking brilliant.

72
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,240
Ooh, what have you got here?
Don't mind if I do.

73
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,600
Don't steal tampons!

74
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,640
Well, you never know
who might pop round!

75
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:40,520
We live in an age of period poverty!
Put 'em back. All right.

76
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,400
Just a second.

77
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,400
Here I am at the
Christian Society...

78
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,080
SHE CHUCKLES
..if you can guess!

79
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,800
I know you lot think this is a
load of toss, but you know what?

80
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,640
These guys do a stunning
free roast every Sunday

81
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,200
in the halls', um, common room.

82
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,320
So, do sign up for
that lush lamb of God

83
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,960
from our, um, lord and saviour,
Jesus Christ.

84
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,440
MEGAPHONE WHINES

85
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,160
Right! Safe Space Society,
I see you over there!

86
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,920
Can't hide from me. Trigger warning!

87
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,240
DANNY GASPS
And then, there it was.

88
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,920
The society where a group
mainly existed

89
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,880
to arrange a minibus to a
naff gay night each week.

90
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,120
I'd initially wanted to ignore them,

91
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,480
cos they all wore t-shirts that
were either a bit too long

92
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,360
or a bit too short for my liking.

93
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,000
It's the LGBTYMCA society!

94
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,840
I'm joking, obviously!

95
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,600
I actually did my research
last night,

96
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,480
and I am gonna get you
some thicker lube.

97
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,000
Go over.

98
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,040
I dunno. Go on, sign up!

99
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,640
It feels very official.

100
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,960
What were you saying
a couple of days ago

101
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,840
about not wasting your life
being a little saddo?

102
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,080
Go on, get involved.

103
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,320
I knew this was my best shot
of finding my crowd.

104
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,640
Well, Gordy's isn't... It's all
right, I'm not gonna lie.

105
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,040
Oh, hello!

106
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,160
How's your...?

107
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,000
Erm...

108
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,960
Are...are you joining
the LGBT society?

109
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,280
LGBTQIA! You gotta say all of 'em,
they're there for a reason.

110
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,920
OK, so, tonight we're all
going clubbing in London.

111
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,720
You coming? Oh, uh...

112
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,600
Actually, I haven't done
much 'out' gay stuff.

113
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,800
Are you on Grindr?

114
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,200
Downloaded it, but I actually
haven't used it.

115
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,240
Oh, come the fuck on,
pretty, it's easy.

116
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,240
Upload a pic, choose a tribe,
never give out your bank details.

117
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,040
What do you mean, "choose a tribe"?

118
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,520
OK. On the app there are different
tribes for different types.

119
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,800
You've got your bears,
big hairy blokes,

120
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,280
they all look like they
throw barbecues, a lot.

121
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:47,240
Then you have your twinks,
they tend to be quite dull.

122
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,520
Then your geeks.

123
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,040
Which is... No offence.

124
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,520
None taken.

125
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,520
Trans, leather daddies, pretty
much what they say on the tin,

126
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,920
pos, otters, rugged...
What does "pos" mean?

127
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,360
They're positive.

128
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,600
Oh, cool.

129
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,160
HIV positive.

130
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,640
Which is cool, because of an
advancement in medicine

131
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,280
and a reduction in public stigma.

132
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,960
Then you have discrete, which
is basically guys with wives.

133
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,280
Then we have...
CONVERSATION FADES

134
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,960
Have you got any books
on, like, feminism?

135
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,680
Or just about...
HE MUMBLES

136
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,240
Cool.

137
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,520
Wow. That...is such
an important book.

138
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:36,000
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, I love female...writers.

139
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,840
Oh, I love women's lit.

140
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,640
I was actually mainly
brought up by my nan,

141
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,200
so, yeah, don't even get me
started on the female struggle.

142
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,200
Yeah, they're actually giving out
free tampons over there, which is...

143
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,480
Yeah. Yeah, I think it's terrible
that, you know what I mean,

144
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,120
you guys have to pay tax on 'em.

145
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,400
If was up, you know,
if you ask me, you know,

146
00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,400
you should be able to menstruate
freely. And for free.

147
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,120
She didn't ask you, did she?

148
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,480
Oh, hello, Karen. It's Corinne.

149
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,400
See here? Corinne.

150
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:10,800
OK. Anyway, as I was just saying
to...Liza... Lisa.

151
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,680
CORINNE STIFLES LAUGH

152
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,320
Thank you for correcting me, Lisa.

153
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,640
Erm, yeah, I think
they've actually ran out

154
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,160
of the free tampons, but, erm...

155
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,720
..you're welcome to dip in to
Santa's sack and help yourself

156
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,960
to some of mine, if you want.

157
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,800
Why do you have any,
if they ran out?

158
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,520
Well...

159
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,960
..in case I have a female
visitor and... Cool, right.

160
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,520
Well, in that case, surely you
should be buying them in.

161
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,200
I mean, especially if you think
that people who menstruate

162
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,560
should access them for free.

163
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,280
Yes, but just, well, just via me.

164
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,720
Look, my flat's having
a pre-lash later,

165
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,120
before everyone goes
Oceania in Watford.

166
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,560
Flat 77, any time before seven,

167
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:55,280
and maybe you can bring
everyone some tampons.

168
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:56,600
I'd like that.

169
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,800
I've love to, I will, I promise. OK.

170
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,600
See you later, Lisa.

171
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,840
Chlamydia info guide? You know that
there's a WhatsApp support group

172
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,560
for chlamydia sufferers on campus?

173
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,320
OK, thanks.

174
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,680
You're welcome. No need,
I was just having a test,

175
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,200
just being safe, having a laugh.

176
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,520
Ooh, touchy. Hope that
it's a negative outcome.

177
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,760
Ah, I wouldn't be so sure.

178
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,600
No, wait...

179
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,680
Fucking idiot.

180
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,000
You are gonna be so proud of me.

181
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,440
I got us invited
to a halls pre-lash,

182
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,520
and a club night afterwards.
You up for that?

183
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,680
I got asked to an LGBTQ night.

184
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,400
Listen, nobody wants you to spread
your little gay wings more than me,

185
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,400
but this is freshers week,
all right?

186
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,720
We've been here five days

187
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,560
and we still haven't made any
mates in halls, please!

188
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,800
OK. Yes!

189
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:53,360
Although, Danny, what do
the Q, I and A stand for?

190
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,840
Right, Q is for "queer",
or "questioning."

191
00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:02,160
I is for "intersex", and A is for
"asexual." OR "allies". AKA...moi!

192
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,800
BAG THUMPS
Oh, careful.

193
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,840
I'll basically watch
anything with Rylan in it,

194
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,280
so, I'm a flippin' ALLY lama.

195
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:11,160
Are you sure you don't want a hand?
No! Hands off! This is my stuff.

196
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,120
MOBILE BUZZES

197
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,440
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

198
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,800
No.

199
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,320
You two are not registered in halls.
You are in shed.

200
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,720
Halls security.
An emotionally redundant man

201
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:43,400
whose main job was catching people
masturbating in the laundry room.

202
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,800
Oh, come on, let us through...

203
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,200
..Ru.

204
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,880
Entry only for residents
and signed-in guests.

205
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,680
Oh, please!
The kids in here are my sheep,

206
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:58,120
and I'm the only thing stopping
wolves like you two getting to them.

207
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,600
Well, this is absolute...

208
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,760
Bullshit!

209
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,400
Are you sure you're OK with me
going to the queer night?

210
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,440
Yeah! One of us
might as well have a laugh.

211
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,840
Oh, I just dunno how to dress.

212
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,840
Right, get your tightest
white t-shirt,

213
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,480
just like, cut some slashes in it.

214
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,040
That's what all the gay boys
in Margate do, trust me.

215
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,200
What will you do tonight?
Fuck all, obviously.

216
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,160
It's just so bleak.

217
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,280
This must be how Anne Frank felt,
you know? Just like, all cooped up.

218
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,760
Just waiting to be adopted.

219
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,560
She was hiding from the Nazis.

220
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,920
Nazis? What, in the dumping ground?
She was trapped in an attic, Danny.

221
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,000
I think you mixed up
The Diary of Anne Frank

222
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,360
with The Story of Tracy Beaker.

223
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,760
Yeah, I think I have.

224
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,040
Either way, neither of them were
going out on the razz, were they?

225
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,120
You all right, lads?

226
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,920
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS

227
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,880
Assuming it didn't go well
with Lisa.

228
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,440
Obviously not. Thanks for
checking in, though.

229
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,920
Well, serves you right for trying to
use feminism to pick up women.

230
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,200
Uh, I used to let my ex
sterilise her moon cup

231
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,560
in the same pan I did me
egg-and-soldiers in.

232
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,920
That's disgusting!
Well, that's feminism.

233
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,160
You shouldn't be telling me
what is and isn't feminism.

234
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,880
Will you take a day off? Seriously!

235
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,760
This isn't Oxford or Cambridge,
mate, all right? It's Brent.

236
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,320
That is very clear.

237
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,240
I was the only one out
of my friendship group

238
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:31,960
not to get in to Oxbridge.

239
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,760
I was the only one in mine once
not to get in to Berghain, so...

240
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,400
What's that?

241
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,640
Berghain, it's a club in Berlin.

242
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,760
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You're the type of guy

243
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,440
that goes to one of the most
artistic cities on earth,

244
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,840
just to piss up the Berlin Wall
and go clubbing.

245
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,600
Yeah. Clubbing,
the art of having fun.

246
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,320
Do you know what fun is? Of
course I know what fucking fun is!

247
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,480
But I'm shockingly at uni to study,

248
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,400
so that I can one day
make something important.

249
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,320
Not...dick around like
these bunch of eejits.

250
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,000
Why are you sat outside with me,

251
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:06,640
when you could be making your
something important in your room?

252
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,960
Well, why are you sat out here?
Because I couldn't get in there.

253
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,280
So, I'm gonna wait for everyone
to come out,

254
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,240
then I'm gonna tag along
to the club.

255
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,000
SHE CHUCKLES
You can't go to the club.

256
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,160
It's sold out.

257
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,800
Yeah, they've been selling tickets
in halls all week, so...

258
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,360
Urgh! Fuck my life.

259
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,320
Have a good night, mate.

260
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,800
Look, do you guys maybe wanna...

261
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,920
Come tonight? No!
No, they cannot. No way.

262
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,040
Wahey!

263
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,240
Eurgh, disgusting.

264
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,680
Yemi, quick question.

265
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:42,160
Dungarees and Birkenstocks.
Underdressed, or...?

266
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,160
To be fair, that is quite
a queer look, but no...

267
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,320
Right, guys! So, I'll be your
designated driver for tonight,

268
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,720
and don't worry,
I've only had four sambucas!

269
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:51,960
SHE LAUGHS

270
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,520
Yes, girls!
Kidding! No, I'm sorry, I'm kidding.

271
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,080
I'm on the San Pelles,
you're on the San Miguel,

272
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,520
let's get on down,
and get a bit gay, maybe!

273
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,720
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
She is nasty as hell.

274
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,320
Why are you joining us, Danny?
Cos you didn't sign up for LGBT.

275
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,760
No, it's all because of you
that I didn't get into halls,

276
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,960
which means I didn't get a
ticket to the club night,

277
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,600
and I'm basically sat out
on my own...

278
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,080
All right, I don't want your
X-Factor sob story, my dear!

279
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,760
Well, I'm... OK.

280
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,200
OK. Good, yeah.

281
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,640
Can the Badminton Society,
can you get on last?

282
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,600
Cos you're my first drop-off. OK.

283
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,520
Oh, you all right, Debs?
What you doing here?

284
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,040
I'm bisexual. Fed up with shite
blokes like you letting us down.

285
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:34,240
Hi, Karen.
Oh, it's Corinne, Debs, Corinne.

286
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,520
Don't get your knickers in a twist,
love, I couldn't care either way.

287
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,960
HE LAUGHS
Fuck off!

288
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,560
JACK: It's scary going to
your first gay club,

289
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,600
cos the vast majority
are all called things

290
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,040
like Savage, or Envy, or Revenge.

291
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,720
And I'm just like, why not
be called Nice To Each Other?

292
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,920
Or Who Cares If
My Shirt's From River Island?

293
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
They Actually Do
Some Quite Good Stuff.

294
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,240
Go on.

295
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,120
Oh, here she is!

296
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,960
Hey, coming through!

297
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,160
HE CHUCKLES
Get inside.

298
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,560
Sorry, Yemi, what's this one's vibe?
OK, he's straight, but...

299
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,400
OK, here's the singe, all right?

300
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,840
Gordy's is a celebratory venue
for all queer people,

301
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,720
all kinks, fetishes, sub-groups.
Gotcha.

302
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,160
Yeah, and we welcome allies,
but this is a creche.

303
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,640
Any funny business,
fucking around, laddy banter,

304
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,520
any pretending to be
Louis fucking Spence,

305
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,560
you'll be thrown in there until your
designated Dorothy takes you home.

306
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,680
Understood?
OK. Hearing you loud and queer.

307
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,560
Honestly, I didn't know it
was in there! Please, can you...

308
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,160
Whoa! No, you're out, love.

309
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,080
No, this is from a charity bake sale
I just did!

310
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,440
You brought a knife to a club!

311
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,560
No! There's crumbs on the blade!

312
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,840
Shoo!

313
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,840
Get out, out! Get out!
SHE SCREAMS

314
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,000
JACK: Debs actually dropped out
of uni that week,

315
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,240
moved back to Newcastle,

316
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,120
and nowadays sends me
Farmville requests

317
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,480
on Facebook every fortnight.

318
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:59,680
DANCE MUSIC

319
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,560
CLUBBERS WHOOP AND CHEER

320
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,280
Despite being a bunch
of individual misfits,

321
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,440
we spent the whole night together.

322
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,160
And as Corinne got
progressively wankered,

323
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,280
you went down an absolute storm
on the dancefloor.

324
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:32,320
Hey! So, where are you from?

325
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,800
Eh, Margate. Sick!
And do you come to London much?

326
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,320
Eh, yeah, to visit my cousin, Mark.

327
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,840
Sick! Where does he live?

328
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,480
West London.

329
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,400
I just moved west! Where in west?

330
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,880
Eh, do you know Wormwood Scrubs?

331
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,200
Wow!

332
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,720
Erm, Wormwood Scrubs?
I've never heard of it.

333
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,240
It's not Rightmove, you've gotta
be asked to live there, actually.

334
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,280
Oh, God, sick!

335
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,280
I know, yeah.
Sorry, one sec, excuse me.

336
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,840
Is Wormwood Scrubs not a prison?
Yeah.

337
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,480
SHE LAUGHS

338
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,760
Sick hat, my friend!

339
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:17,000
DANCE MUSIC

340
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,040
Listen, listen, this bit of the club
is really just for me and Jack.

341
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,760
Why? I love this place!

342
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,680
This is the gay men's dark room,
yeah?

343
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,640
It's a drippy cave,
with a flicker of red light

344
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,680
where you can plainly see
outlines of men

345
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,240
having a right go on each other.

346
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,280
Do you know what? I think this
is where I actually draw the line.

347
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,800
You guys knock your socks
and pants off, all right?

348
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,600
I still wanna come.
Corinne, you won't be allowed in.

349
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,360
This is unfair discrimination!

350
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,680
What are you talking about?
Yemi, please!

351
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,400
No chance, love.
I wanna see some fucking cock!

352
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,200
JACK: Corinne was the first woman
to be thrown in the creche

353
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:17,520
since Makosi from Big Brother
did a personal appearance in 2006.

354
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,080
She's not coming out, all right?

355
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,400
Hey, there you are!

356
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,560
I googled Wormwood Scrubs,
and it's a penitentiary.

357
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,560
Lucky for you,
I'm attracted to danger...

358
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,640
JACKL So, in solidarity,
you decided...

359
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,200
Oggy, oggy, oggy!

360
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,640
MEN: Oi, oi, oi!

361
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,680
SECURITY GUARD: Right, that's it.
Get inside.

362
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,160
That was so good!

363
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,280
SHE LAUGHS

364
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,200
BOTH CHUCKLE

365
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,920
Can we go back to yours?

366
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,240
Yeah.

367
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,680
You call the cab, and I'll split it.

368
00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,280
OK, yeah.

369
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,800
Wait, why do you wanna
come back to mine?

370
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,160
Yeah, yeah, OK.
No, that's what I thought.

371
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,600
JACK: No-one is ever quite prepared
to smell a room

372
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,400
that's a mix of damp moss,

373
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,480
Paco Rabanne,
and quite frankly...poo.

374
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,080
Are you OK? I just felt
something wet hit my back.

375
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,840
MAN: Oh, sorry about that!

376
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,160
So, no-one touched you
without consent?

377
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,600
No, but I saw a man put his
whole arm inside a whole other man.

378
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,520
That's dark rooms for you.

379
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,280
Is it your first time?

380
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,000
Yeah. I'm just here with...

381
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,080
I'm Evan, AKA the manageress.

382
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,720
Jack. You'll get used to it,
you know.

383
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,240
One day you might even want an arm
inside you.

384
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,480
I don't know if I want
an arm inside me.

385
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,920
Unless it's to facilitate
a vital colonoscopy.

386
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,520
Mm. Don't worry, he'll kick in,
in a bit. OK!

387
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,800
Look, if you're gonna do anything
in that region,

388
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,200
just need some good poppers.

389
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,080
Here you are, try.

390
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,200
It'll just give you a tiny little
headrush, that's all.

391
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,080
HE GROANS

392
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,440
Fuck!

393
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:36,600
This was it. This was me
finally living a little.

394
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,080
VOICES DISTORTED: Noooooo!

395
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,880
Nooooooo!

396
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,440
I was right there. Come on, mate!

397
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,000
Aaaargh!

398
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,880
Sorry! It's OK.
Must have been the beers.

399
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,040
Or is it the tablets on the table?

400
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,480
That's... Mm. It's OK.

401
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:11,480
Oh, Danny, it's totally cool. I've
been here before, and this happens.

402
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,000
Come here.

403
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,440
Aaw, pal.

404
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,880
CLATTER

405
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,680
Fucking hell!

406
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,840
JACKL Yeah, my mum actually
was quite shit at DIY.

407
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,480
I hope little Jackie's
getting on OK.

408
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,600
God, yeah.

409
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,840
HE GROANS

410
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,160
Oh, what's going on?!

411
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,880
You fucking drank some poppers!

412
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,760
What?! You fuck...
You drank poppers!

413
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,600
I could get into so much
shit for this.

414
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,800
Thank God that bottle were
virtually empty.

415
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,840
I can't taste my tongue.

416
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,560
Of course not, you have poppers
swimming inside of your stomach!

417
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,920
What's wrong with you?!
My nose is bleeding.

418
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,240
Well, I'm glad it is yours
for a change.

419
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,280
Right, I've got you an Uber home.
I am so sorry, ducky.

420
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:59,160
No! I can't get in an Uber,
my dad was a black cab driver!

421
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,720
Your dad was not black, you liar!

422
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,040
OK, I understand, black cab.
Get up, up, up!

423
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:12,000
JACK: After that first big Saturday
night began our favourite tradition,

424
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,880
pretending to be Christian
to get a free roast.

425
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,600
Oh, dear!

426
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,600
I just still can't believe you
saw such a tiny little bottle

427
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,160
and thought it was drinkable.

428
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,880
Are you sure you don't have
special powers now?

429
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,040
If I did, it would be
for you to shut up.

430
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,840
Oh! He's touchy on a hangover!

431
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:31,000
Just wait, soon you'll
have Jesus's meat juices

432
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,800
dribbling down your chin.

433
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,080
Guys, guys, wait up!

434
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:38,600
You know what I was thinking? I
actually quite like our little shed.

435
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,440
Same. You know, we're sort
of left to our own devices.

436
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,800
And if anyone tries
to nick my humus,

437
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,040
I'll always know it's you. Uh-huh.

438
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:50,720
Oh, my God, if it ain't you guys,
you're famous!

439
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,080
SHE LAUGHS
These are for you, OK?

440
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,760
There you go. Oh, I really
need this roast, lads.

441
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,440
I haven't had meat and two veg
in a very long time.

442
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,640
Yes!

443
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,520
No, no, no, not you two.

444
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,360
Soz, Ru, but we're now
children of Christ.

445
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,680
That's right, and you're gonna be
seeing us every Sunday

446
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,440
at one minute past midnight,
when our prayer passes become valid

447
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,920
and we are free to attend any
party in this humble inn of God.

448
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,720
CHURCH BELL RINGS

449
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,600
JACK: And it was in this moment
I realised I found my crowd,

450
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:29,200
and it was you, and Ru,
and some culinary-minded Christians.

451
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,080
Subtitles by Red Bee Media