1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,800 SCHMALTZY MUSIC PLAYS 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,120 My mum wanted that first Christmas without Dad 3 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,640 to be as warm and loving as it ever was. 4 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,680 Nan got the turkey off a man in a van on Watford ring road, 5 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,120 who later got arrested for smuggling coke in their bum holes. 6 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,840 I can't believe we've still got my S Club 7 bauble. 7 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,000 S Club 6, hon. You stamped all over poor Paul, remember? 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,360 Well, he left the band right at their peak. 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,320 Shannon, have people forgiven S Club Jo 10 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,000 for the Celeb Big Brother stuff yet? 11 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:32,520 Erm, I'd say best to put her round the back of the tree. 12 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,080 LOUD CRASH I want a foot spa. 13 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,480 You've already got a foot spa. 14 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,880 Nan, have I already got a foot spa? 15 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,040 I doubt it. Your feet are fucking filthy. 16 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,280 Pegs, are my feet filthy? No comment. 17 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,960 SHE TUTS 18 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,800 What are you going to ask for in your letter to Santa? 19 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,600 Gel pens. Gel pens? 20 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,440 Do you reckon one day there might be a Santa out there with a big sack for you, Pegs? 21 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,120 No, thank you, Shannon. 22 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,760 Anyway, I don't like a big sack. 23 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,040 Laurie had quite small balls, actually. 24 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,720 Please don't! All the men in our family have small balls. 25 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:07,440 This was the start of me feeling inadequate about my dick and balls. 26 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,560 Always choose your words wisely. 27 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,200 Nah, don't go for him. Look, hairy nostrils. 28 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,720 Think... Oh, I've got that jumper! Tap him. 29 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,280 ..confident, OK? 30 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:24,800 Remember... My dick looks exactly like that. 31 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,720 Oh, my God! I've got a dick-elganger. 32 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,840 Your dick looks nothing like that. Yeah, but... 33 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,880 Jack, you need to get off all the gay hook-up apps 34 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,800 because I heard they're being controlled by the Chinese government. 35 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,320 I've only just got on them, thank you, Corinne. 36 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,160 Listen, if you trust the Chinese Communist Party then fine 37 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,800 but I think they're trying to control the gays. 38 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,800 I think you're trying to control the gays. 39 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,920 Our journalism lecturers were all trendy Hackney creative types, 40 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,520 all in blue worker jackets and all called... 41 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120 Tim. Nice to meet you all. 42 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,600 All right, everyone. I'm Tim. 43 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,640 Er, please - just call me Tim because that is my name. 44 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,280 I fancied all of them but especially this one. 45 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,080 Oh, he's so fit. 46 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,200 You're such a dull gay. Sometimes people don't want to know the truth. 47 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:08,840 I found that while working on the Steps-A1 sex controversy. 48 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,520 He's just a beard on legs. 49 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,920 But for this week, you're welcome. 50 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:17,280 Now, before you all go, we have a special presentation 51 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,200 because of sexual health awareness week. 52 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:24,680 So please welcome Jules Handy and her new assistant, Kelly. 53 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,000 Whoo! 54 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,360 Come on, Jules. 55 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,600 Whoo! SHE SIGHS 56 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,240 Chlamydia. 57 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,800 Gonorrhoea. 58 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:40,200 Halitosis of the foreskin. 59 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,920 These are all sexually transmitted infections 60 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:50,600 which an estimated one in four of you first-years will catch. 61 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:54,160 Fingers crossed. As we enter the festive season 62 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,880 and we'll all be bouncing up and down on Santa's knee 63 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,800 we must consider the importance of condoms 64 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,320 during all forms of sexual activity. 65 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,480 Even blow jobs? Yes! 66 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,640 Ah, a little festive blowie's all right, isn't it? 67 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,080 Right, Jack Rooke, I heard that. Stop interrupting. 68 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,440 What? That's wasn't me! Right, well, the joke's on you 69 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,120 because you've just volunteered to help with my contraception drive. 70 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,440 I didn't bloody say anything! Basically, that's where you guys come in. 71 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:27,000 Because I want all Fashion, Arts and Media students, my FAM, 72 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,080 to create an innovative piece of work 73 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,840 that's going to encourage students to look after 74 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,680 their willies, fannies and bum holes. 75 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,840 Then just before we leave for Christmas 76 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,760 we'll have a big showcase 77 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:45,240 with one lucky winner nabbing the grand prize of... 78 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,240 Hold them up. Of four tickets to the, 79 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,640 erm, Reading festivals! 80 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,920 Oh, my God! Some of my happiest memories are at Reading Festival. 81 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,160 I once threw a bottle of piss at Lady Sovereign. 82 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,640 I thought you liked Lady Sovereign. 83 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,160 Yeah, I do. 84 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,200 Bye-bye. 85 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,480 As soon as there was a competition at our uni, 86 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,640 all the art-school kids went into overdrive, 87 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,760 desperate to show off and make their most graphic work to date. 88 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,040 Ooh! What's the massive red fanny about? 89 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,680 It's not a massive red fanny. 90 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,440 It's an engorged labia caused by undetected trichomoniasis. 91 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,000 Yummy! Tell me more. 92 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,760 I'm using images of infected genitals 93 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,920 to create a public information theme 94 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,600 encouraging democratisation of knowledge about the body, 95 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,080 which is often skewed through a male lens. 96 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,240 Ugh! Sounds like porn for people who need to slap on a bit of Sudocrem. 97 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,480 Have you got any STIs so far this year? I wish. 98 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,120 It's these antidepressants. It's like I'm playing snooker with a piece of string. 99 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,880 I've seen you out with loads of girls. 100 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,760 Yeah, you love oral! 101 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,560 Yeah. OK. 102 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,880 Can I suck your cock? No, no. 103 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:01,120 Oh! You're the cunnilingus guy girls have been talking about. 104 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,480 All right. 105 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,280 Most of them don't know your name, so they just call you Head Boy. 106 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,280 Oh, for fuck's sake! 107 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,480 I don't want to be Head Boy! I want to be Dick Man! 108 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,520 What is the point of being at uni if you can't bang anyone? 109 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,280 It's just an erection, Danny. It is not just an erection. 110 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,440 It's an M&S erection, all right? I hate you. 111 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,320 Well, that's my best feature. Oh, my God. 112 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,160 Well, why don't you just ask your GP if you can change your meds? 113 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,000 Not all of them lead to impotence. All right! Inside voice. 114 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,800 Yeah, I know that. It's just... Or you can go to the uni therapist. 115 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,520 Drop in and explain what's happening. Yeah, I might give that a bash but... 116 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:39,560 Just do it, Danny, because your best feature is not your penis. 117 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:43,560 It's that sometimes you are quite kind. 118 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,120 All right, soppy cow. Oh, God. Fuck you. 119 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,760 Do you know, I didn't become a people person overnight. 120 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,440 You know, it takes hard work. OK, I need to go. 121 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,600 OK, erm, right. Here we go. OK, you two stay here. 122 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,000 I just need to send this parcel back to Isis. 123 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,320 ASOS. Oh, yeah. 124 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,120 Erm, OK, BRB. 125 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,640 Hi. 126 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,760 I've just restocked the king size bucket. 127 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,720 Everyone here must have such a massive knob. 128 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,320 Well, they're lying. Why would anyone lie 129 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,840 when the sexual health of others is at stake? 130 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,600 Yeah. 131 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,200 I wasn't getting laid 132 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,800 and the more I saw them dipping their hand in the jar of giant johnnies, 133 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,120 the more I was starting to worry that I might have a... 134 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,400 Small Dick, come in. Yemi, don't call me that. 135 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,320 Ain't nothing wrong with small. Are you minted? 136 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,640 Yemi promised to help me before his shift 137 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,520 as the local pub's bingo caller, 138 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,800 giving me a comprehensive masterclass 139 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,880 on how to take a good cock shot for the apps. 140 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,240 The trick is to light it from behind, 141 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,680 then take it either from the base to extend the visual of the shaft 142 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,960 or from above, like 70 degrees, to accentuate the bell. 143 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,320 All right. Now stay here, watch some porn, take a dick pic 144 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,240 and text us the results. 145 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,080 Oh, wait - can I make a latte? 146 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,320 No. 147 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,200 And so, as I was trying to take some flattering pics of my dick, 148 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,400 you were busy trying to fix yours. 149 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,040 Daniel. Welcome in. 150 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,360 You weren't...? Oh, no, no, no. 151 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,760 I was moving it back to "therapist". 152 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,640 I've told Jules I bloody hate those magnets. Come on in. 153 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,320 You all right? Well, apart from the fact I'm getting old, 154 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,000 getting divorced and being chased for my TV licence, 155 00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,280 I'm absolutely fine. 156 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,080 But I've noticed that you've booked and cancelled sessions with me quite a few times, 157 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,880 so how can I help you? 158 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,600 OK, so, erm... 159 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,960 So I've been taking medication for depression for a few months 160 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:19,000 and I'm finding that my pills are stopping me from... 161 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,560 You know - getting the old... 162 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,400 Jehovah's stiffness. 163 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,200 Jehovah's...? I can't get a Kerry Katona. 164 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,840 A tent pole. Right. 165 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,280 OK. Got you. 166 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,680 Yeah, so basically, I just want to change my meds, you know, 167 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,640 just so I can start feeling myself again. 168 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,280 Quite literally. 169 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,960 Right, OK. Well, look, I'm not a doctor, 170 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,960 erm, but I do know that typically it's not that simple. 171 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,480 Coming off medication does require proper management... I know that. 172 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,240 But I want to do it now cos I'm 25 173 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,440 and I'm surrounded by all these fit students 174 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,240 and my dick's not working because I'm too busy trying to fix my brain. 175 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,720 Do you know what I mean? So, I can't keep going down on girls. 176 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,520 I'm getting lockjaw here. It's like a flipping Greek tragedy. 177 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,480 Right, OK. Erm, well, look, I'm happy to talk about 178 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,240 any frustrations you might be feeling 179 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,640 but you will need to talk to your GP about your meds. 180 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,200 It's going to be a gradual process of lowering your dose... 181 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,680 THERAPIST'S VOICE FADES ..switching and then the prospect of any new side effects... 182 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,600 HIGH–PITCHED TONE 183 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,760 Do you know what, mate? Er... 184 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,200 I actually don't want to talk about this. 185 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,120 OK. Er, yeah. 186 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,720 Sorry - no disrespect. I just erm... 187 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,320 I'm going to go. Are you sure? 188 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,320 Because I'm here to talk these sort of things through, mate. 189 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,440 Yeah. No, I am sure, yeah. 190 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,360 Sorry. 191 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,800 Ah, yes! Perfect. 192 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,200 Can I speak to you very quickly about your sexual health? 193 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,440 GIRL: Yeah. 194 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,160 BOY: Yeah, so I lost my virginity in fresher's week... 195 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,920 Hiya. All right? 196 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,680 Yeah. 197 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,880 I've been eating pineapple chunks. 198 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,600 Right. OK. That's good. 199 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,120 Mango. 200 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,640 Even Sharon fruit. 201 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,000 What the fuck's a Sharon fruit? 202 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,280 Well, it means I taste really, really good, 203 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,920 if you want to come sample later. 204 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,280 Ah! 205 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,080 OK. Er... 206 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,960 What's my name? 207 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,880 What? Lisa, tell me my name 208 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,240 and I'll eat your fruit salad. 209 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,400 Oh, gosh. 210 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,800 Is it Brendan? No, it's Danny. 211 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,640 SHE SIGHS Fuck. 212 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,560 OK, this is great. 213 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,800 What are you smiling about? Yemi's given me some pointers 214 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,120 and now I'm messaging Leo, 1.7km away. 215 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,160 He wants me to come round his for fun. 216 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,440 Ooh! Nice. 217 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,680 I'm just nervous in case... He turns out to be a murderer? No! 218 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,960 I'm just a virgin. Well, what would Yemi do? 219 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,800 He's strictly told me... 220 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,480 Ring the bell. Put one hand on the door frame and the other on your hip. 221 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,320 Kiss him once the door's immediately shut 222 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,760 and straightaway ask, "Where's the bathroom?" 223 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,520 Go upstairs and wash your willy under the warm tap 224 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,360 and finally pop into his bedroom to check for webcams. 225 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:18,040 Oh. OK, everybody, listen. Eyes down! 226 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,640 Right, OK. I'm going to stand guard outside the gaff. 227 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,200 If he's a weirdo, just text me the safe word, OK, 228 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,880 and I'll introduce him to the twins. 229 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,320 Pow, pow. 230 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,560 It's elaborate but... Mate, your safety is not elaborate to me. 231 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,080 All right? Now, just don't do anything I wouldn't do. 232 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,040 I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke but you get what I mean. 233 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,520 Thanks, Danny. 234 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,440 What's the safe word? Er... 235 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,840 Tit wank? Help. Help. All right. 236 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,400 The safe word will be help. 237 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,280 You've got this. Yeah. 238 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,960 This was it. 239 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,720 DOORBELL CHIMES 240 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,200 OK. 241 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,240 And... 242 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,400 Brill. 243 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,160 So, hello, Jake. 244 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,400 How are you? Yeah. OLDER JACK: Don't correct him. 245 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,720 I'm OK, thanks. Welcome, welcome. 246 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,400 Er, would you like a lovely lager? 247 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,680 Oh, I don't really drink beer. 248 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,080 Ha! Nor do I. 249 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:53,080 I just bought them in case a lovely lad like you might want a lager. 250 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,760 Nice house, Leo. Thanks. 251 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,080 I live here with my wife...I. 252 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,440 Wi-Fi. 253 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,000 It's very strong. Would you like the password? 254 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,840 I'm good. Erm... 255 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,000 Do you fancy a cheeky Slush Puppy? 256 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,120 Fuck. 257 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,240 Fucking creepy, man. 258 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,960 Oh, bugger. Leo was clearly much older than his profile pic. 259 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,200 I started to worry that his name wasn't Leo 260 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,880 because he wouldn't respond to it. 261 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:51,200 That and all his post was addressed to Mr Matthew Rawlinson. 262 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,720 I'm really sorry. The DVD player's on the fritz. 263 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:59,040 Here, I tell you what. The DVD player upstairs in the spare room works very well indeed. 264 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,880 I've got Wankenstein. 265 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,120 DRAMATIC MUSIC 266 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,240 Are you having a nice time? OLDER JACK: No. 267 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,600 Yip. 268 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,520 My mother used to stay in this room when she came to visit. Lovely. 269 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,400 Yeah. She died last year. 270 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,520 I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you. 271 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,200 Well, you can tell her yourself. 272 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,440 LEO LAUGHS 273 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:28,200 Yeah. She died in this room, peacefully in her sleep, 274 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,160 after watching a repeat of Come Dine With Me. 275 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,680 There's worse ways to go. Oh, God, yeah. 276 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,480 Would you like to come dine on me? 277 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,200 Er, I've already eaten. 278 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,520 Oh, you greedy boy. 279 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,040 Shall I get out my willy-winkle now? 280 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,360 I'm not sure that's necessary. 281 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,480 Oh, come on. I'll get my trousers off. 282 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,000 I guess it is quite hot. Yes, it is hot. 283 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,520 It is. Like a curry. Well, I wasn't thinking... 284 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,000 A curry? I was. Oh, I love a bhuna. 285 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,760 A lamb bhuna. 286 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,080 Erm... 287 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,800 Oh, God. Erm... It's really warm in here. 288 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,400 Is it all right if I open this window? 289 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,840 It's a bit stiff, Jake, like me. 290 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,880 Fuck knows what I was thinking but you weren't coming 291 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,040 and as I was assessing the height of jumping, all of a sudden... 292 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,480 DOORBELL Mum! 293 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,640 I'll just see who that is. 294 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,840 She's all over my willy! 295 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,400 Whaa! 296 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,840 DOORBELL CHIMES, KNOCKING AT DOOR 297 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,200 Run! 298 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,160 LEO CRYING 299 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,560 Run! 300 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,680 First I whipped out your septum piercing, 301 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,120 then I nearly died drinking poppers 302 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:02,440 and yesterday I spilled someone's mum's ashes all over their knob. 303 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,280 Honestly, mate. I think it's just hard being gay. 304 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,720 DOOR OPENING 305 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,960 I think you're accident prone. Are you sure you're not just dyspraxic? 306 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,520 Sorry. Where did Corinne come from? 307 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,520 Yemi texted. He said that you needed cheering up 308 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,840 because your hook-up turned out to be a really old man. 309 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,040 Ugh! Danny! He was! 310 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,480 You need to lose your virginity soon, otherwise it's just going to get in the way of your studies. 311 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,040 Just do what I did - lose it with your driving instructor. 312 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,600 Distraction out the way. But I'm not learning to drive. 313 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,200 Gays can't drive. We were born to be driven. 314 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,800 Right. 315 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,880 Well, that's what I tell my mum in the Peugeot. 316 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,440 Come on. 317 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,400 What did the therapist say? Er, yeah, yeah. All good. 318 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,800 I'm going to go home for Christmas, so I'll just talk to my GP. Yeah? 319 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,360 That's great. It was easy. Yeah. 320 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,800 Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames et messieurs, 321 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,360 please give a warm, end-of-term welcome 322 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,800 to your host for this evening. 323 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,600 Yes, that's right. It's your very own Jules Handy, 324 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:06,920 head of Student Union and Welfare Services! 325 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,280 APPLAUSE 326 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,960 That's lovely. Lovely round of applause. Thank you. 327 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,000 Now that we've all reached the climax 328 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,400 of sexual health awareness week, 329 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,920 it's now time to see the competition entries 330 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,720 for Fashion, Arts and Media. 331 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:32,040 Hit it! UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS 332 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,080 Are those condoms? Yes, they are. 333 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,480 There's a bit of a smell to them, so... 334 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,240 Sort of latex, sort of musky, sort of... 335 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,520 How did you, er, stretch them out? 336 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,720 The gown was made 100% organically. 337 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,560 Yeuch! Ugh! It's quite unpleasant. 338 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,240 WOMAN: We gathered student samples 339 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,920 to create this gorgeous spiral of yellow. 340 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,360 Is that real piss? Yes. 341 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,440 Why are all the entries so disgusting? 342 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:03,960 So let's start at the top. 343 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,160 Up here, as you can see, is a photo of a prolapsed anus. 344 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,240 No! 345 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,800 No way! Thank you. 346 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,480 Wow! Wow-ee, actually. 347 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:23,560 Oh, right. We've only got one entry left, actually, from Journalism 348 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,880 and it's an anonymously written article 349 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:32,360 entitled "Why the best contraception is antidepressants." 350 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,280 Oh. 351 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,080 OK. 352 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,480 "Everyone comes to uni to reinvent themselves. 353 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:44,880 "Very quickly people realise their talents, their weaknesses 354 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,680 "or even their true sexuality 355 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,840 "and that's why I realised..." SHE FADES 356 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:55,360 SHE SOBS "It doesn't matter how hard your dick is. 357 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,240 "It matters how kind you are inside." 358 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,800 Sorry. 359 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,000 If you wrote that, I hope you're proud of yourself 360 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,400 because you've made me cry. 361 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,480 Do email me afterwards at the university address because guess what else? 362 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,880 Congratulations - you've won four tickets to the Reading Festival. 363 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,120 APPLAUSE 364 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,840 Jack, could you play some music cos I need to have a really good cry? 365 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,440 MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses 366 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,440 Does Jack know? 367 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,960 No. 368 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,720 So, as we broke up for Christmas, I went straight back home, 369 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,080 whereas you left going back to your nan's as late as you could. 370 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,680 Hello, hello! 371 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,640 Oh, hello, hello! 372 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:43,840 Ah, there she is. Ah! 373 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,720 Mm! Mm! Mwah. 374 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,760 Oh! Ah! 375 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,760 How are you, trouble? Yeah, I'm... 376 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,080 Are you excited for a Nigella Lawson Christmas? 377 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,920 Ooh! Is she coming? 378 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,800 No, Nan. I mean... I know, you silly sod. 379 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,360 I might have Alzheimer's 380 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,360 but I know Nigella would never lower herself to these parts. 381 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,640 Well, I don't know about that. 382 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,960 She loves a midnight pig-out, doesn't she? 383 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,640 I reckon she's a right dirty cow. 384 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,240 Ooh! NAN CHUCKLES 385 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,440 So, just us two this year. 386 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,440 Well, your dad'll come. 387 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,520 Oh. OK. 388 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,040 Just both of you behave. 389 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,800 Mm. 390 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,680 Right. I'd better get prepping us a little feast. 391 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,720 OK? 392 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,400 Me and you are going to tie one on tonight, Nan. 393 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,800 NAN LAUGHS 394 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,520 Merry Christmas, Laurie. 395 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:44,000 Merry Christmas, Laurie. Merry Christmas, Laurie. Merry Christmas, Dad. 396 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,760 Can I have Uncle Laurie's Aunt Bessie? Oh, go on. 397 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,520 He'd want you to have it. 398 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,160 Do you think you'll ever start dating again, Pegs? 399 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,800 What a question for Christmas Day! 400 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,160 You know Nan's neighbour, the builder, David Morgan? 401 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,320 He's single. Wife's divorced him for an Eastern European businessman. 402 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,280 Not that there's anything wrong with that 403 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,360 but he does have a Jaguar. Five-door. X-Type. 404 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,360 Heated leather seats. He's also got bigger tits than me 405 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,800 and he shares those Britain First posts on Facebook. 406 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,120 No. 407 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,640 Now, eat. 408 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,360 And that's my mate Jack. 409 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,880 Ooh, I'd kill for his perm. 410 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,200 That's Yemi. What's he wearing? 411 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,200 That's a harness, Nan. Yeah. 412 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,680 Sort of like a gay thing. 413 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,880 I'd love a gay friend. Yeah. I do enjoy Christopher Biggins. 414 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,480 Ah. At least someone does. 415 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,800 Right. So what time's Dad getting here? 416 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,520 Oh, is he coming? 417 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,760 You said he was yesterday. 418 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,160 Oh. 419 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,920 Did I? 420 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,400 Well, I don't know. OK. 421 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,000 Let's open a present each, shall we? 422 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,480 I'm ever so sorry but I ain't got you anything. 423 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,240 I've not been out, love. Don't be silly, Nan, all right? 424 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,840 Seeing you well - that's my present. 425 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,400 Dan, my darling. 426 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,600 I'm not well 427 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,240 and I think it's time we had that chat. 428 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:19,280 OK. So let's do a pressie. OK? That one's yours. 429 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,800 I've got this one from Jack to do, OK? 430 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,600 It's lovely! What did you get? 431 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,400 Er, I think it's a Sharon fruit. 432 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,600 I left your gift till last that Christmas, 433 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,120 opening it solo in case it was poppers or a pube trimmer 434 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,880 but it was the moment I realised you wrote that article 435 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,880 and you'd been keeping your meds a secret 436 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,200 and I just wanted to give you a big hug. 437 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,080 MUSIC: The Days by Patrick Wolf 438 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,120 # The days... # 439 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,120 MOBILE ALERT 440 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,120 # Passing days 441 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,920 # I see the steeple 442 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,360 # And trace to the spire 443 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,840 # And the sunset 444 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,720 # Deep in regret 445 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,720 # Phoenix in final fire 446 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,360 # And the time stops 447 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,960 # Rush hour traffic slows... # 448 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,320 Subtitles by Red Bee Media