1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:05,338 It's June 6th, 1944. 2 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,923 D-Day. 3 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:11,052 {\an8}The Allied forces storm the beaches of Normandy. 4 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:17,267 Boys, we're gonna be storming Omaha Beach in a couple minutes. 5 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,228 Be steady. It's time to find out what you're all made of. 6 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,689 Oh god. 7 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,983 Just barfed in the corner over here, sir! 8 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:28,737 Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay? 9 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,365 Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves! 10 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,409 It's not nerves, sir. 11 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,660 I get seasick. 12 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,078 Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon. 13 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,246 That goes for everyone. 14 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,542 Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson. 15 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:43,960 No, sir! 16 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,962 I think I just went a little too hard on the pâté 17 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,088 at dinner last night, sir. 18 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,256 What? 19 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:50,467 They didn't serve pâté in the mess. 20 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,843 Did you go AWOL last night? 21 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,553 Yeah. 22 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:54,596 Did any of you join him? 23 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,851 I did, sir! 24 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,519 I had a lot of oysters, 25 00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:04,439 and now that I think about it, they were pretty warm. 26 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,524 Y'all defied orders and went to a restaurant? 27 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,068 Sir, we're in Europe, 28 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,236 and we just thought if it was gonna be our last meal, 29 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,280 that it should be someplace special. 30 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,948 We found this adorable little pub. 31 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,201 Oh god! 32 00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:20,747 Private Martinez, you go to this little dinner, too? 33 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,291 No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir! And to be honest, 34 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,251 it's kinda hurtful to find out in this manner. 35 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,921 - Sorry, man. - Then, why the hell are you yakking then? 36 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,839 I have a hair trigger gag reflex, sir. 37 00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,466 If I see somebody puke, I'm puking right away. 38 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,719 Private Bryant, report! 39 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,721 - Share! - I'm fine! 40 00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:39,516 - That's a direct order! - I don't wanna talk about it! 41 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,393 He's not fine, sir. 42 00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,353 He's been this way since basic. 43 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,855 Always after meals, if you catch my drift. 44 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,649 So, what do I do here? 45 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,402 I-I don't know. Tell him he looks good in any size? 46 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,570 Or maybe don't talk about his body at all, sir. 47 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,449 Private Cooper, what is your major malfunction!? 48 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:59,411 Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward. 49 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,330 I'm afraid of sharks. 50 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,290 Hair trigger, sir. 51 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,001 Enough! 52 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,169 No more vomit! 53 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,297 Now, we are about to embark on the biggest military campaign 54 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,591 in the history of the world, part two! 55 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,260 And I need you to just... 56 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,848 Captain, are you okay? 57 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,391 No. 58 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,643 - I just shit my dang pants. - Oh, no. 59 00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,069 Save it for the Nazis! 60 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,289 History of the World, Part II! 61 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,174 The Story of Jesus. 62 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,694 Mm. (smack) Mm. 63 00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,865 Mm. Delicious. 64 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,284 Luke, there it is! 65 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,703 - Judas, what's goin' down? - How you doin', man? 66 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,372 Man, I had to get me something in my belly, man. 67 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,831 You know that last supper wasn't shit. 68 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,917 Didn't hit anything for me. 69 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,543 Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right? 70 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,797 Nothin' worse than going somewhere for a meal, 71 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,632 and you gotta come the fuck home and eat again. 72 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,676 It's like, what's the point? I could've just stayed home. 73 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,010 - What's the fuckin' point? - I know. 74 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,012 Jesus invites us over for dinner, and then what? 75 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,597 It's like a bunch of small medi plates? 76 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,599 One lamb meatball as an entrée? 77 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,102 If you're gonna gimme one meatball, it better be a big-ass meatball. 78 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,520 If it's not bigger than my head, 79 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,479 I don't want it. 80 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:50,855 Look, I don't wanna complain. 81 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:51,898 Can't hate on Jesus. 82 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,108 I can't hate on Jesus. 83 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,275 I love being a disciple. 84 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,486 But, you go to one of these dinners, 85 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,154 there's 11 other guys there 86 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,615 who got plans that they want you to attend. 87 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,659 - Did Peter corner you? - Of course he did. 88 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,119 "You coming to my one-man show?" 89 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,662 One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst! 90 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,205 With a one-man show, you don't get the chance 91 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,707 to see other people, other actors, and shit. 92 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,500 You sitting there like, "this motherfucka again?" 93 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,043 - I know. I know. -"But this motherfucka again! 94 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:12,961 Ain't never leave!" 95 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,045 So, he's always gonna be "this motherfucka again!" 96 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:17,007 I know. I feel gross after that. Do you know why? 97 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,967 - Why? - All that feet washing. 98 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,219 Why is everybody washing feet all the time? 99 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,430 Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet? 100 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,639 - I don't like it. - It's unsanitary! 101 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:25,849 It's unsanitary. 102 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,767 - Thank you. Thank you! - That's what it is. 103 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,102 I just don't like feet. 104 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,437 I don't wanna wash 'em. 105 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,938 I don't wanna look at 'em. 106 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,314 I... don't like feet. 107 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,816 - Oh, man. - You like feet? 108 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,693 - I made a love to a fuckin' foot. - Really? 109 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,236 Oh, man. Well, two feet. 110 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,196 - See, you're sitting in a yoga pose... - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 111 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,865 ...you put both feet together, 112 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,825 - so that you create this. - Oh, okay. 113 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:44,743 Put a little lubricant 114 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:45,660 - in that motherfucka, - Right. 115 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,454 and break them feet off. Break 'em off. 116 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,247 Get the party started. You break your way up. 117 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,792 What is this? Who knocks at this hour? 118 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,046 That's why we put blood on the door frame! 119 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,506 So, you could pass over us! 120 00:04:58,506 --> 00:04:59,924 See? Pass over! 121 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,636 - Huh? - Uh oh. It's the Ro-Ro. 122 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,055 Roman soldiers? 123 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,140 what are they doing here at this hour? 124 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,810 Judas Iscariot? 125 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:14,022 - Nope, don't think he's, uh... - Right here. 126 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,357 The fuck are you doing, man? 127 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,900 Not gonna stay here and get profiled. 128 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,526 I'm gonna cut straight to the chase. 129 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,153 We've gotta arrest this Jesus character. 130 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,529 He is a danger to the community. 131 00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,657 Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet. 132 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,326 Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't know what the fuck 133 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,371 you talking about right now, but Jesus is all about the peace. 134 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,623 Peace and love. He's all about peace and love. 135 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,958 Judas, we know you were at the Last Supper. 136 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,252 Everyone knows you're the most weaselly apostle. 137 00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,712 That feels antisemitic. 138 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,923 What we don't know is what this Jesus looks like. 139 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,675 Now, you identify him for us, 140 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,177 and you will be richly compensated. 141 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,595 Richly compensated? 142 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,014 Uh-huh. 143 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,101 Hm... 144 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,728 Eh? Mm-hmm? 145 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,690 Hm. 146 00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,359 Eh? 147 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,903 Okay, well... 148 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,905 if I were to do it, and I'm not saying I would-- 149 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,157 - Hypothetically speaking, of course. - Hypothetically speaking, 150 00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:07,742 if I were to do it... 151 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,370 I mean, what would be in it for me? 152 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,288 30 pieces of silver. 153 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,332 30 pieces of silver? 154 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,750 Mm... 155 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,546 I mean, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it. 156 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,297 Jesus is a good friend. He's a good friend of ours. 157 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,341 - Right. - But, if I were to do it, 158 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,010 how would I even identify him? 159 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,553 You're the weasel. You tell me. 160 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,930 Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass. 161 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,598 - Slap him on the ass? - Yeah! 162 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,642 Why don't I just give him a big fat kiss while I'm at it? 163 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,269 Oh! That could work!. 164 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,563 - What? - Yeah. You give him a kiss, 165 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,981 we swoop in-- Gimme your hand. 166 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,733 We swoop in and arrest him. 167 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,819 Soldiers, march! 168 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,321 on the left! 169 00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:46,656 on the right... 170 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,283 Know what you can do with 30 pieces of silver? 171 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,284 What? 172 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,161 Buy one big-ass meatball. 173 00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,997 We would've a nice dinner, wouldn't we? 174 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:57,375 Fuckin' right. 175 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,089 Shirley Chisholm. 176 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,470 In 1968, Shirley Chisholm 177 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,180 became the first Black woman 178 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:13,016 elected to the United States Congress, 179 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,351 serving Brooklyn, 180 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,728 the home of me, and Jay-Z. 181 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,980 Brooklyn represent, represent! 182 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,690 I don't know what that means. 183 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,360 Anyway, four years later, she ran for president, 184 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,072 and this is that story. With a laugh track! 185 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,284 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, ♪ 186 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,660 ♪ then to DC ♪ 187 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,996 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 188 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,499 {\an8}♪ She's Shirley, It's been a long, hard road ♪ 189 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,167 {\an8}♪ But hope was never lost ♪ 190 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:43,088 {\an8}♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 191 00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,757 {\an8}♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪ 192 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,677 Shirley is brought to you 193 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,804 by the actual presidential candidate, 194 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,971 {\an8}Shirley Chisholm, 195 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,099 {\an8}and filmed in front of a live 196 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,266 {\an8}Black audience. 197 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109 How's my favorite first Black congresswoman? 198 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,777 She's terrible. 199 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,237 Nothing gets done in Congress, 200 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,280 except for me getting screwed. 201 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,868 And speaking of getting screwed, 202 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,954 how's my favorite dick? 203 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,665 Did you solve the case of the missing circus elephant? 204 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,375 Heh, sure did. Turns out, 205 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,043 it was the evil Ringling Brother. 206 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,086 Ding-A-Ling. 207 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,635 I always thought of you as a clown. 208 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,139 I guess now, my eyes have caught up with my brain. 209 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,396 Ha ha! 210 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,023 Florynce Kennedy, 211 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,692 why do you insist on coming through my window? 212 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,402 Because you won't gimme a key. 213 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,156 So, what were y'all talking about? 214 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,367 Oh, just how I'm fed up with Congress is all. 215 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,785 You know, I wanna work on the problems 216 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,871 of my constituents in Brooklyn. 217 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,790 You know, healthcare, education, 218 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,751 tickets to Marvin Gaye. 219 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,544 As your chief advisor, 220 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,130 you got to take this to the tippity top! 221 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,841 Harry Belafonte? 222 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,637 No. To the president. 223 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,098 You want me to call President Nixon? 224 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,517 Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him, 225 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,353 but they wouldn't clear standards and practices. 226 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,023 You know what? Maybe I will. 227 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,781 Hello, is this the White House? 228 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,033 This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm, 229 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,495 and I would like to speak with President Nixon, please. 230 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,663 Oh hello, Mr. President. 231 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:44,125 I didn't realize that you answered your own phone. 232 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,711 How... very not paranoid of you, sir. 233 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,966 Yes. Uh huh. 234 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,635 Tonight? 235 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,261 7:30? 236 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,846 My place? 237 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,598 Nothing too ethnic. 238 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,226 Yes! I can do that. 239 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,560 Thank you. 240 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,564 Guess who's coming to dinner? 241 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,150 Will you two stop playing around 242 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,735 - and get ready? - Oh! Okay! All right. 243 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,779 Think it's stuck. Ooh, boy! 244 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,868 Help! Help! Help! 245 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,247 Shirley will be right back 246 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,749 after these Black hair product commercials. 247 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,672 Previously on The Civil War. 248 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,093 No more alcohol until the war is over. 249 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,846 RT, come over here. 250 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,681 There's my big, strong boy. 251 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,308 You are ready to join me on a top secret mission. 252 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,769 I will follow you to the gates of hell, sir. 253 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,439 It's worse then that son. We're going to West Virginia. 254 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,024 No! 255 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,989 West Virginia is so much 256 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,906 {\an8}worse than I thought. 257 00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,993 Good call on losing the uniforms, sir. 258 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,578 Yeah, I know. I'm a general. 259 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,621 This isn't my first secret mission. 260 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,957 What is the secret mission, by the way? 261 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,001 We'll go to that saloon over there and have a quick drink. 262 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,502 - Just try to blend in. - Yes, sir. 263 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,046 Howdy! 264 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,548 - Howdy! - H-- Say it with a Southern accent! 265 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,216 Howdy! Howdy! 266 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,552 - Howdy-do? - Not Irish! 267 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,679 And don't futz with the settings, 268 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,514 please, thank you. Yeah. 269 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,391 Now listen, RT. 270 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,976 We gotta keep a low profile, okay? 271 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,853 These people don't like our kind. 272 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,980 Sagittarius? 273 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,398 - Yankees! - Right. 274 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,775 Of course you're a Sagittarius. 275 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,526 With Mercury in retrograde, it all makes sense. 276 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,487 Just listen to me. Okay, be cool, 277 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,572 and if anything's out of order, just split up, 278 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,573 - and I'll find you, okay? - Yes, sir. 279 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,241 (sigh) Shit. 280 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,962 Oh! Jesus! 281 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,006 What was that? 282 00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,841 - You said split up. - Not literally! 283 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,515 - Howdy! - Howdy. 284 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,891 Howdy to you. 285 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,518 Howdy, just here for a drink. 286 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,813 Howdy. 287 00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,358 Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey. 288 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,151 Sir? Please? Hello! 289 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,112 Okay, he looked me right in the eye. 290 00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,322 Okay, sir. General. 291 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,824 I have a strategy. 292 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,575 - I think if we wanna properly blend in... - Yes. 293 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,577 ...that we should be able to adopt new characters. 294 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,954 - Okay. Yeah. - Okay? So, 295 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,998 I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée, 296 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,834 - prosperous tobacco magnate. - Okay. 297 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,919 You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée, 298 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,170 my son. 299 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,797 Why would I be your son? 300 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,549 In what universe does that make sense? 301 00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:39,384 I'm 20 years older than you. 302 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,344 - Just an idea. - It's a bad idea. 303 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,887 - Okay. - Okay, j-j-j-just sit here 304 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472 - and watch my back. - Yes, sir. 305 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,849 Come to papa. 306 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,517 That's what I've been waiting for. What, uh-- 307 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,979 What? What!? What are you-- You are a psychopath, sir. 308 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,024 That is so weird. That's weird! 309 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,650 Oh, you think that's weird, huh? 310 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,280 You think that's weird? 311 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,574 Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah! 312 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,411 Hoo... wee! 313 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,996 Mm, mm, mmm. 314 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,124 I think you're weird. 315 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,295 Who are you boys? 316 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,088 I am Byron De La Étouffée, 317 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,090 - and this is my s-- - Friend! 318 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,342 Uh, we stopped in here 319 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,926 to wet our whistles and talk about 320 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,262 - how much we love... cotton. - Yes. 321 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,889 We love it. 322 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,434 The touch, the feel, it is truly the fabric of our lives. 323 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,813 Where are you boys from? 324 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,983 Little town by yonder way called... 325 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,277 Slaveburg. 326 00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,780 Slaveburg? 327 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,573 I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg. 328 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,868 It's in Mississippi. 329 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,454 - Oh! Okay, yeah. - Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah., 330 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,664 - We been there, we been there. - That checks out. That checks out. 331 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,333 Well, you two rebels, 332 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,585 you must be very familiar with the game we play around here. 333 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,922 A game that, uh, well... 334 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,091 It always ends up with somebody getting 335 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:03,093 carried out those doors. 336 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,596 Never Have I Ever. 337 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,229 Oh hello, daddy. 338 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,313 - Hey! - Ow! 339 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,564 First rule! 340 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,858 No drinking till we start. 341 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,987 Okay. 342 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,447 Second rule! 343 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,199 You only drink if you've done the thing 344 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,410 that the person whose turn it is said they've never done. 345 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,661 That's right. 346 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,622 So, the man whose turn it is takes a drink. 347 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,708 Well then, I will go first, and I wanna say-- 348 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,875 - Ow! - No, no, Glenn! 349 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,377 Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! 350 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,837 They only drink if no one's done the thing 351 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,338 they said they'd never did. 352 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,257 I thought if a person said they've never did the thing, 353 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,050 they were lying, and therefore must drink. 354 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,760 I actually think Glenn is correct-- 355 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,387 No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée! 356 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,763 How many times we gon' go through this? 357 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,849 Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it. 358 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,559 Oh, let me get this straight, mister. 359 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,436 You're trying to say I don't know the rules of 360 00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:57,105 - Never Have I Ever? - Maybe I am. What of it? 361 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648 This the same reason why you're not 362 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,108 on my charades team. 363 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,068 Maybe no understands how to play the game 364 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,487 'cause I can't understand what fuck you're saying! 365 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,698 Alright, enough of this shit. 366 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,950 How about this? Whiskey for everybody! 367 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,371 Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 368 00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,081 What in blue blazes 369 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,709 you doin' with a dirty Union greenback? 370 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,628 Uh... 371 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,506 Well, I am a proud rebel 372 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,051 who killed a Union soldier 373 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,595 and took his money. 374 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,472 Then, why's your face on it? 375 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,100 That could be anybody. 376 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,186 All White men with beards lookalike, huh? 377 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,354 What are you, racist? 378 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,441 Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal. 379 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,401 We hate everything. 380 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,363 People who turn classic movies into TV shows. 381 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,031 Boat owners. 382 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,783 - Sound effects. - Redheads. 383 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,452 - Deadheads! - For-profit universities. 384 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,287 Novelty license plates. 385 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,498 Picking people up from the airport! 386 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,749 But most of all... 387 00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:00,335 Oh shit. 388 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,045 ...Yankees. 389 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,588 Fuck Jeter! 390 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,756 And you know what? 391 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:07,550 Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay, 392 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,636 fuckin' wherever he is now. 393 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,429 Get that fuckin' thing outta here! What are you-- 394 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,889 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... 395 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,015 We gotta finish the scene, dude. 396 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,058 Oh, you wanna finish the sc-- 397 00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,768 Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness. 398 00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,770 - Just don't engage. Don't engage. - Hollyweird! 399 00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,355 Why don't you get LeBron to finish it? 400 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,898 Oh! He's injured! 401 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,942 - Yankees. - Get a real basketball player 402 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,694 like Larry fuckin' Bird. 403 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,826 The Mongolian Empire. 404 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:39,374 {\an8}In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice 405 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,584 - travels the Silk Road... - Marco Polo! 406 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,504 ...to meet the most feared emperor in the world, 407 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,923 the great Kublai Khan. 408 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,633 Get down. 409 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,843 Go! 410 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,845 On my knee... Good. Let's do this. 411 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,722 If it goes well, 412 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,349 trade between the East and the West will finally open. 413 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:01,563 And if not, Polo could be "no-mo." 414 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,064 You may rise. 415 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,275 Oh, thank heavens. This was a little bit humiliating. 416 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,112 What an honor to be here. Thank you. 417 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:12,198 I bring you gifts as a gesture of our friendship. 418 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:13,658 Swag! 419 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995 We call this shit silk. 420 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,539 This is nice! 421 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,082 What do you call what I'm feeling? 422 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,500 What's the word for this? 423 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,669 - Silky. - Oh, yes! 424 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,838 You know what? If you put that right here, 425 00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:28,089 on, like, a nice suit? 426 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,758 You'd never wait for a table again in your life. 427 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,177 Alright, Kublai's turn! 428 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,055 Okay, so what do you have for me? 429 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,392 Okay. So keep in mind, I've been on the road for four and a half years, 430 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,310 so there's a little bit 431 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,770 of wear and tear, right? 432 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:44,230 Okay, I got something great, you're gonna freak out. 433 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,940 Put your hand out. 434 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,028 I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir. 435 00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,780 What is shaky red? 436 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,948 Hot peppers... that have been crushed. 437 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,075 I'd be a little careful. 438 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,243 There's a little bit of sand in there. The... 439 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,537 The bottle broke in the desert. What do you honestly think? 440 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,581 This is more of a pitch stage of the-- 441 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,501 Okay, well do you have anything else? 442 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:05,794 To be frank, that was kinda shitty. 443 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,629 For you? Yes. I have a goat 444 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:10,048 that was blessed by the Pope himself! 445 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,133 - Oh, what? The Pope? - Yeah! 446 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,677 Oh man, I heard all about that guy. 447 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:14,594 The Pope Goat. 448 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,429 Would love to meet this goat, where is it? 449 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,557 Shit. 450 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,351 It's right here! 451 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,812 We had to eat the actual goat a year and a half ago 452 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,897 because we were starving to death, 453 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,482 of course. 454 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,984 - That's still blessed by... - So, 455 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,779 they tell me you have, like, these scrolls of knowledge? 456 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,948 I had to burn them, obviously, to cook the goat, 457 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,324 so it was a catch-22. 458 00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:39,035 So, are you saying you brought nothing 459 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,621 - for the Great Khan? - You know what I do have for you? 460 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,040 - It's a game. - What is this game? 461 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,336 It's Marco Polo. 462 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,380 And the way that you play is somebody closes their eyes, 463 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,173 and th-they're looking for the other guy, 464 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,135 and th-they're running around, they say "Marco!" 465 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,220 And the other guy says "Polo!" 466 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,973 It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool. 467 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,099 You know what? Fuck this! 468 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,476 All you brought me was some spicy sand 469 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,520 and a dumbass game that you just made up? 470 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,273 Please. It has been a crazy journey. 471 00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,066 There've been a lot of bumps on the road. 472 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,901 Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out. 473 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,403 - Take him! - Koobs, Koobs! 474 00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,529 - Stop calling me Koobs! - No, no, no. 475 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,614 Please don't do this. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, please! 476 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,116 Burn this motherfucker alive! 477 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:19,951 No, no, please don't burn me alive! Don't burn me alive! 478 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,328 - I wanna hear his guts popping! - I'll do anything! No, no, no! 479 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,957 I'll suck my own dick! 480 00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,584 Please. 481 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:34,632 We pranked you! 482 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,343 You got Khan'd, bro! 483 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,098 - What do you mean it's a prank? - It's a prank! 484 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,850 We've been trying to think for the last four years 485 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,478 of some way to get you, and we got you! 486 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,897 Check it out, check it out. We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere. 487 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,273 Look, we got one over here. 488 00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,983 - Ah? - Wonderful. 489 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:53,943 And look, we got one over here! 490 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,653 He's got your depiction here, too! 491 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,947 I was genuinely terrified for my life. 492 00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:01,534 I'll suck my own dick! 493 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,831 Shirley Chisholm. 494 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627 Previously on Shirley. 495 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,296 Oh hello, Mr. President. 496 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,215 Guess who's coming to dinner? 497 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,257 Mr. Nixon, 498 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,759 what an immaculate honor 499 00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,344 to have you into my home. 500 00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:22,847 I invited my most charismatic and only friend, 501 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,516 Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. 502 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,559 I brought a bundt cake. 503 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,854 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 504 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,193 - Mother, will you be joining us? - Uh, let's see. 505 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:38,655 Have dinner with two warmongering hogs, 506 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:42,033 or drink my martini by myself? 507 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,787 That woman is enchanting. 508 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,208 The reason I asked you here, Mr. President, 509 00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:53,628 is because I feel like I'm not getting anything done in Congress. 510 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,047 Why yes, Shirley. You see (clears throat), 511 00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,882 Congress has no power. 512 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,676 The only person who can get anything done 513 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,761 is the President of the United States. 514 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,055 The Commander-in-Chief. 515 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,016 The King of the Free World. 516 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,685 The Imperator of the Galaxy. 517 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,396 Easy, Dick, don't let the cat out of the bag. 518 00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,316 So, you're saying that the only way I can get stuff done 519 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,360 is if I'm president? 520 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,113 That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it. 521 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,406 That's not happening anytime soon. 522 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,200 I mean, you're Black, Shirley, and a woman. 523 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:28,163 Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me. 524 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,664 Well, great. 525 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,208 To run for president! 526 00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:36,171 Well, Henry, it finally happened, 527 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:37,380 I never thought it would. 528 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,965 A lady made me laugh. 529 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,926 Unlike you, I am no joke. 530 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,679 I am unbought and unbossed! 531 00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:50,268 Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day. 532 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,937 Now, Henry, let's return to the White House. 533 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:56,191 Your mother reminds me of a woman I met in Transylvania 534 00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:58,526 in 1403. Please give her my number. 535 00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:01,196 666-6666. 536 00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:07,160 So, looks like I'm running for president. 537 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,495 Shirley, I wish 538 00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,038 you would've talked to me about this. 539 00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:11,289 That's a big decision. 540 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:13,249 Conrad, it's a TV show. 541 00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,419 We have to move the story along at a faster pace than real life. 542 00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:18,004 Hm. 543 00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:20,131 Like a workout montage? 544 00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:24,886 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 545 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,560 Jesus Christ! 546 00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:38,358 Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem... 547 00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:44,781 Hey, barkeep? 548 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:45,824 Two hot wines, please. 549 00:22:46,116 --> 00:22:47,325 Coming right up, boss. 550 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,079 So? What did we think about the show? 551 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:53,373 Worst shit I have ever seen in my life. 552 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:56,251 Right? Did you notice when he was in the "hospital scene," 553 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,752 - he's in the bed? - Yeah. 554 00:22:57,752 --> 00:22:59,129 He fell asleep, right? 555 00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:01,256 Was that acting or was he really fuckin' sleeping? 556 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,924 I don't know, but it's contagious 557 00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:04,259 - 'cause then I fall asleep. - Oh. 558 00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:05,927 You gotta have intermission. People gotta get up 559 00:23:05,927 --> 00:23:07,762 and stretch their legs a-and go out 560 00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:09,180 and stand in front of the fuckin' theater 561 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,932 a-and smoke a hookah or some shit like that. 562 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:13,351 Peter thinks it's good. He thinks this show is good. 563 00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,521 He thinks he's gonna tape this for a Netfish special! 564 00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:18,898 If this was on Netfish, I would cancel my subscription. 565 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:21,234 Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe 566 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,194 that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight. 567 00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,822 What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus. 568 00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,073 What are you talking about? 569 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:28,658 Fuck am I talking about? You took the money! 570 00:23:28,658 --> 00:23:29,826 I had to take the money. 571 00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,078 Peter made us pay for this one-man show. 572 00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:34,039 We're his friends. We should be comped. 573 00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:38,251 And that is what the fuck you call a betrayal! 574 00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:39,711 - Betrayal!? - What? 575 00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,588 Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray? 576 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,506 No, what are you guys talking about? 577 00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,592 - Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. - Who's getting betrayed? 578 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:47,677 No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening. 579 00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,512 - It's fine. - Okay. So, what'd you think of the play? 580 00:23:49,512 --> 00:23:51,556 You were up there trying really hard. 581 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,974 And the details about your family. 582 00:23:52,974 --> 00:23:55,018 H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean, 583 00:23:55,018 --> 00:23:56,519 a-and your mom was a Moabite? 584 00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:58,688 A-and the fact that you had therapy? 585 00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:00,023 - Fucked me up. - Thank you, man. 586 00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:02,025 - You see me. You see me. - I saw you. 587 00:24:02,025 --> 00:24:04,944 - What'd you think, Judas? - I think I didn't like to have 588 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,197 to pay for tickets to my friend's one-man show. 589 00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,157 Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps! 590 00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:10,617 What am I, a money lender? 591 00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,327 So, what'd you think of the show? 592 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:14,704 Eh... Not for me. 593 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:17,165 - Well, Jesus loved it. - Please. 594 00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,334 Jesus loves everything. The guy can't stop saying, 595 00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,711 "Oh, I love this." He's just looking for followers. 596 00:24:21,711 --> 00:24:24,130 Look at Jesus over there. Look at him. 597 00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:25,924 Absolutely woofing down 598 00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,300 that bacon cheeseburger. 599 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,635 Oh, it looks so good. 600 00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:29,844 Bacon cheeseburger? 601 00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:31,554 Hold on, that's not kosher. 602 00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,807 Wait, none of the food here is kosher. 603 00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,725 Oh please, let him sin. 604 00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:38,520 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuckin' phones. 605 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480 Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped scallop 606 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,564 and baby back ribs. 607 00:24:41,564 --> 00:24:42,774 You mean to tell me none 608 00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:44,150 of this shit is kosher? 609 00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:46,152 You know what, I'm fuckin' livid! 610 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:49,072 As a Jew, I'm livid! 611 00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:50,615 You know what? I'm gonna plotz! 612 00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:52,325 I can understand why you're pissed 613 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,452 because something is going on with this Jesus guy. 614 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,038 He's trying to phase out his Judaism. 615 00:24:57,747 --> 00:24:59,207 - Really? - Yeah! 616 00:24:59,207 --> 00:25:00,709 Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'. 617 00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,669 Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow back his foreskin, too. 618 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:04,879 What? You can grow back your foreskin? 619 00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,715 Fuck yeah, you can do that. My cousin did that. 620 00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:08,425 He put a clothespin on the tip of that shit. 621 00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:09,843 Oh, that's impossible. 622 00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:11,761 No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing, 623 00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:13,888 and then-- and then, you got a weight down there, 624 00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:15,598 and the weight is gonna pull the string off, 625 00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:17,183 and you have to sleep standing up. 626 00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,102 - Uh huh. - Not for me, baby. Not for me. 627 00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:21,563 - Oh, really? Not for you? - Nope. 628 00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:22,939 Lotta detail for an innocent man. 629 00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:24,315 Wait, he's going to the bathroom. 630 00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:25,358 Do I do a foreskin check? 631 00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:27,402 - Yeah. - Should I go and get cockfirmation? 632 00:25:27,402 --> 00:25:28,445 Oh yeah. 633 00:25:28,445 --> 00:25:30,030 Go in there and peep that pecker. 634 00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:31,906 And find out how he avoids 635 00:25:31,906 --> 00:25:33,658 - peeing on the weight. - Yeah. 636 00:25:33,658 --> 00:25:35,827 - Yeah, I mean I've heard that it happen-- - Oh, you've heard that? 637 00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:37,162 No, I've read it in some scrolls! 638 00:25:37,162 --> 00:25:38,913 Oh, you've read it in some scrolls? - Yes. 639 00:25:38,913 --> 00:25:40,749 Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. 640 00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:43,960 There he is! JC! 641 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,087 Judas, hey. Hey, I can swear to my dad, 642 00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,589 - I locked that door. - Oh, yeah? 643 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,841 So, what'd you think of Peter's one-man show? 644 00:25:49,841 --> 00:25:51,301 Yeah, I liked it, yeah. 645 00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:53,136 I mean, what's not to like? I got free tickets, right? 646 00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:55,180 - Free ticket? Free. - Yeah. 647 00:25:55,180 --> 00:25:58,308 Comped. 648 00:25:58,308 --> 00:25:59,684 What does "comped" stand for? 649 00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,311 - Complimentary. - Complimentary! 650 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,772 I wish I could be more complimentary 651 00:26:03,772 --> 00:26:04,731 of Peter's one-man show. 652 00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:06,107 Judas. 653 00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:07,650 Judge not, lest you be judged. 654 00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:10,612 Not bad. You just come up with that? 655 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,072 Eh... Thanks. 656 00:26:19,412 --> 00:26:20,997 Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! 657 00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,207 Judas, you're pissing on my feet! 658 00:26:22,207 --> 00:26:24,918 - What? No! What? No! - Yes! Yes! 659 00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:27,087 - I was just checking! - Checking what? 660 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:28,588 Just to get cockfirmation! 661 00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:30,799 Judas, you pissed on my feet! 662 00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,801 I gotta go back to the party. 663 00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:34,386 No, you don't-- What-- You-- 664 00:26:34,386 --> 00:26:35,553 - Judas. - Ah, ah, ah! 665 00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:37,931 I know you hear me. 666 00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:39,933 Oh, you just gonna let the blower-- He's gonna blow 667 00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:41,851 your hands for 30 seconds. You just not gonna look at me? 668 00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:43,436 I know you hear me! I am in your head! 669 00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:46,022 Sorry, I only have big pieces of silver. Ah. 670 00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:47,482 - Judas! - Okay, so, 671 00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:49,192 what did you think of my accents? 672 00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:50,235 You didn't take me anywhere. 673 00:26:50,235 --> 00:26:51,444 You gotta take someone somewhere-- 674 00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:53,029 Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... 675 00:26:53,029 --> 00:26:54,698 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you mean "we gotta go?" 676 00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:56,825 Judas! What the fuck? 677 00:26:58,201 --> 00:27:01,287 You peed on my son's feet? 678 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,289 Mother Mary, may I explain? 679 00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:04,582 No, you may not! 680 00:27:04,582 --> 00:27:06,543 I did not not have sex 681 00:27:06,543 --> 00:27:09,129 and give birth in a dirty-ass manger 682 00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:12,924 for you to urinate on the Son of God! 683 00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:15,010 Thinks her son's God? The mother's definitely Jewish. 684 00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:17,220 Okay! 685 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,973 I want you to get on your knees 686 00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:21,516 and wash his feet. 687 00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:24,185 - Ooh. - I don't know. 688 00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,688 You raggedy bitch. 689 00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:29,232 You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet? 690 00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:30,817 - Yes. - That's what you would like? 691 00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:32,777 I just wanna confirm, so we're on the same page here. 692 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:35,238 - Yes! - Luke, what do you think? 693 00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:37,615 If someone pissed on my fuckin' sandals, 694 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:38,908 they wipin' that shit off. 695 00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,452 Okay, well, that's a betrayal. 696 00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:43,079 I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers, 697 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,373 and you're worried about a little pee-pee on his feet? 698 00:27:45,373 --> 00:27:48,084 You're really... You're gonna make me do this? 699 00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:49,919 - Do it already! - Uh-- 700 00:27:49,919 --> 00:27:51,463 Enough with the talking! 701 00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:56,426 It's just feet, they're gross. 702 00:27:56,426 --> 00:27:58,094 Do you guys like-- Anybody here like feet? 703 00:27:58,094 --> 00:28:01,056 Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have! 704 00:28:01,056 --> 00:28:02,390 Hey, Jesus... 705 00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,017 - I've sinned. - Mm-hmm. 706 00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:05,518 - I'm a sinner. - Mm-hmm. 707 00:28:05,518 --> 00:28:07,020 I'm repenting. 708 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:09,481 I don't wanna wash your feet. 709 00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:11,524 Rise, my son. 710 00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:12,817 - What? - I forgive you. 711 00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:15,695 - Uh-uh! - It's okay, Mama. It's okay. 712 00:28:15,695 --> 00:28:17,322 Take back your dirty fuckin' rag. 713 00:28:17,322 --> 00:28:19,866 This is my guy! 714 00:28:19,866 --> 00:28:21,451 Jesus! 715 00:28:21,451 --> 00:28:24,871 This guy, he's not even a guy! This guy's a God! Come here! 716 00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:27,957 The kiss is a signal! 717 00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,001 - That's Jesus! Get him! - What? 718 00:28:30,001 --> 00:28:31,044 Wait, what? No! 719 00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:32,045 - You betrayed me? - What? 720 00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:33,296 - Mom! Mom! - No! 721 00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,923 - Oh! - Tell my story! 722 00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:38,093 Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray! 723 00:28:38,093 --> 00:28:40,053 No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss! 724 00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:43,139 No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss! 725 00:28:43,139 --> 00:28:44,432 Luke! Luke! 726 00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:47,602 - You're in trouble! - No! look at all these feet! 727 00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:51,022 Judas Iscariot, forever unclean! 728 00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:52,649 This is too much! 729 00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:02,635 Captioned by Point.360