1 00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:05,380 Alexander Graham Bell. 2 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:10,385 In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,471 made the first phone call in history 4 00:00:13,471 --> 00:00:17,434 with the help of his assistant, Mr. Thomas Watson. 5 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:21,521 Mr. Watson, come here. I need you. 6 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,776 It worked! 7 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:30,280 Huzzah, gentlemen. Congrats to all of us. 8 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,406 This was a team effort, 9 00:00:31,406 --> 00:00:32,991 even though I kind of ran point on it. 10 00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:36,745 Watson. 11 00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:39,748 It's, it's ringing. 12 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,833 Oh, uh, answer it. 13 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:45,962 Hello. 14 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:51,134 Hello? 15 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:53,136 Who is this? 16 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,764 It's your mama. 17 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,058 Mama? 18 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:03,104 But my mama has passed on. Watson! Watson. 19 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:04,439 Hm? 20 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,649 She says it's my mother. 21 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,777 Well, if she's saying it's your mom, 22 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,196 I mean, who knows what this new technology can do. 23 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,407 Yes, good point. Okay, very well. 24 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,284 Mama? 25 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,620 Mama, it’s little Alex. Are you there? 26 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:20,747 Yes. 27 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,083 It’s your mama! 28 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,212 Alex, my baby boy. I am so proud of you. 29 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,380 Thank you, Mother. 30 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:29,923 There's only one thing 31 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:33,468 that could make me more proud. 32 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,804 Let your mama see that dick. 33 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,390 What? 34 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:41,017 What did she-- Watson, Watson! 35 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,479 - Is this you? - It's not me. 36 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:47,982 But it can't-- it cannot be. It can't-- I don't believe you. 37 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:50,318 Whoever this is, I want you to know something. 38 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,320 The authorities are being called. 39 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,613 Oh yeah? Good luck. 40 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,989 They don’t have a fuckin' phone. 41 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:56,825 Shit. It is illegal, sure, 42 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,744 to make phone calls of a crank nature. 43 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,413 WATSON (high-pitched): You would call the police 44 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,165 on your own dear mother? 45 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:07,210 If you are my mother, what is your last name? 46 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,462 - Bell. - That's my mother. That confirms it. 47 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,964 Do me a favor, sweetie. 48 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,382 Anything at all, name it. 49 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,675 Let your mama see that dick. 50 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:16,302 Let me see a dick pic. 51 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,596 Dick pic? Very well, Mother. 52 00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:20,849 If it will bring you a modicum of peace. 53 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,476 Okay. Something tasteful. 54 00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,937 Ah, all right, 55 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,897 hold on, Mama. 56 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:31,693 And here we go. One and a two and a three. 57 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:32,777 There it is. 58 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,531 Can you just do one more thing for me? 59 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,074 Anything, Mother. 60 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:39,659 - Take your pee-pee-- - Yes? 61 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:40,744 and fuck the phone. 62 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,120 But it’s my invent-- 63 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,415 All right, I, I, I shall do it, Mother. Going in. 64 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,294 Ah! The metal is cold. 65 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,297 This can't be safe. There's so many wires. 66 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,758 That's impressive. You're Mama's special little boy. 67 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:57,385 Thank you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy. 68 00:02:57,385 --> 00:02:59,637 Ah, don't take a photograph! 69 00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:02,474 Ah! 70 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:13,818 History of the World: Part II. 71 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,453 Previously, on The Russian Revolution. 72 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:26,539 Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman! 73 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,084 All you need to do is add water. 74 00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,336 All I care about is falling in love. 75 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,380 The idiot Tsar and his parasitic family 76 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,173 - have been executed! - Wee! 77 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:42,263 {\an8}We must go to Moscow and join the revolution! 78 00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:43,890 Let’s pack our one bag. 79 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:50,397 In Moscow, Vladimir Lenin and his top men 80 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:53,775 discuss forming the new Soviet Union. 81 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,277 And if they order lunch, Sov-iet! 82 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,321 Little bit of cream for you. 83 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:01,199 I scream, you scream, we all scream for goat’s cream? 84 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:02,200 Nyet! 85 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:06,579 Comrade Lenin, I have an idea I would love to bounce off you. 86 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,331 Hey, Stalin, quit stalling 87 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,667 and get me another cup of joe, Joe. 88 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,294 Yes, sir. Right away, sir. 89 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,673 Comrades, as you all know, 90 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,758 we won the revolution, 91 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:22,887 but the battle is not yet over. 92 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:28,184 We must purge the cancerous elements from within the party 93 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:31,855 in a little something that I’ve been calling 94 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:34,274 “The Red Terror.” 95 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,067 - Oh. - The Red Terror. 96 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:39,446 Comrade Trotsky, you don’t have to 97 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,822 raise your hand. You just proceed. 98 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:41,865 Oh, yeah, very well. 99 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:42,949 Comrade Lenin, 100 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,117 may I humbly present 101 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,285 a design of my own? 102 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,996 Called “The Crimson Wave.” 103 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,373 How about the “Bloodiest Time of the Month?” 104 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,084 “Aunt Flo’s Coming to Town.” 105 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,711 I think there's still a clear winner. 106 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,379 It’s “Red Terror” ‘cause it’s spooky. 107 00:04:56,379 --> 00:05:00,300 Oh, (laughs) I, I made one, too. You like? 108 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,303 Stalinism? 109 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,931 What is wrong with you, Jojo? Just make us coffee, okay? 110 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,642 Yeah, and keep the pretty little mouth shut. 111 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,437 Yes, thank you. Thank you, honey. 112 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,773 - Speaking of honey-- - Oh! 113 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:17,776 I've got some sweet and savory treats for my favorite customers. 114 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,320 - Hey, there he is. Finally. - I'm so sorry I'm late. 115 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,864 We didn’t keep time in the shtetl, we just kept secrets. 116 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,784 I have no idea where my wife went on our wedding night. 117 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,453 All right, what do we got here? 118 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:32,374 - Let's see, we got a borscht for Boris. - There you go. 119 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,918 - A turkey for Trotsky. - Oh! 120 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,628 And for our great leader, 121 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:39,255 a bagel and schmear for Vladimir. 122 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,715 What about my pickled herring? 123 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,718 My herring has yet to pickle and it is my great shame. 124 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,971 - Ah. - And last, but definitely least, 125 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:49,933 don't think I forgot, a celery soda! 126 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:53,228 - Celery soda for Stalin. - That's all I get for lunch? 127 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,855 Aww, I'm just joking. 128 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:58,692 Oh, I thought the-- 129 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:02,696 I got a stew for Stalin. What a weak fuckin’ loser, huh? 130 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:06,408 - Not strong man material. - No, this, this guy rules. 131 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,159 Yeah. LENIN: This Schmuck. 132 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,995 Oh! Speaking of rules, 133 00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:13,748 we all must wash our hands before we eat. 134 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,673 We all... walkin' in a line? All right. 135 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,853 ♪ Someday ♪ 136 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:41,985 ♪ The world won’t mock my shy and timid ways ♪ 137 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:49,492 ♪ The people will all lavish me with praise ♪ 138 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:54,289 ♪ Someday I shall rule this land ♪ 139 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:58,001 ♪ With kindness, love, and light ♪ 140 00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:01,796 ♪ With open hearts and open minds ♪ 141 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:05,508 ♪ Our future will shine bright ♪ 142 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,887 ♪ The masses will adore me ♪ 143 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:14,976 ♪ As together we stand tall ♪ 144 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:19,606 ♪ And if not, then there's plan B ♪ 145 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:23,985 ♪ I'll rip out their fucking hearts and devour them ♪ 146 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:29,074 ♪ One and all ♪ 147 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,246 ♪ Someday ♪ 148 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:45,173 Noah’s Ark. 149 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,847 Oh. 150 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,726 - I think that's everything. - Where's father? 151 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,229 Uh, Noah's probably inside with all the animals. 152 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,730 Now, we must ignore 153 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,857 those who say that father has lost his mind. 154 00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:05,360 I said it. I said he's lost his mind. 155 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,861 He's built a giant boat 156 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,072 because God told him the world was ending? 157 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,783 - It's kinda nuts. - In his defense, it's pouring outside. 158 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,702 What, it's the rainy season, Ham! 159 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,704 Sarah, Father knows what he's doing. 160 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,455 Hey, guys. How's it goin'? 161 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,457 Oh, Father, excellent. You have the dogs. 162 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,292 And wherest are the rest of the animals? 163 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,169 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re in here. Come check ‘em out. 164 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,713 - All right. - Okay. 165 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:25,630 Go. Ah, oh, ooh. 166 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:29,342 Heh? 167 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:36,725 Soak it in. 168 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,809 Father, what's going on? 169 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,561 Where are the other beasts? 170 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,147 I thought you were supposed to get two of every animal? 171 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,565 I did get two of every animal. 172 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,526 I got two chihuahuas, I got two Pekingeses, two pugs. 173 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,362 Actually, I got three pugs. Don't tell God. 174 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,280 I think I'm gonna take 175 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,656 - my chances with the flood. - No, no, no. 176 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:52,949 - Sarah, wait-- No, no, no. - Yes. 177 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,409 Sarah's right. This is kinda stupid. 178 00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:55,952 - You're kinda stupid. - Father! 179 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:56,995 It was a stupid thing to say! 180 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,455 Ham, did you bring my special bag? 181 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,790 - Yes, Father. As you asked. - Pass it over, Ham. 182 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,460 - I almost died bringing it to you. - Thank you, Ham. 183 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,462 All right you little monsters, 184 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,173 - have at it! Go crazy! - Oh my god. 185 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,133 - Oh my-- - Get it! 186 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,093 This is bananas. 187 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,804 No, this is Bananas. She's a rescue. 188 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:18,475 And what are we to eat? No goats or eggs or chickens? 189 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,768 I knew you would ask that 190 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,603 and I came with what I know will be 191 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,938 - a unanimously beloved solution. - JAPETH/SARAH: Great. 192 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,273 We eat Sarah. 193 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,483 - My wifeth? - Your wifeth! 194 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:27,734 Oh, you just try to eat me, 195 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,444 - you fucking bitch! - I will try. 196 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:32,530 Enough. God gave you a mission and you failed him. 197 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,698 Look, here's the deal. 198 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,325 We're gonna be on this boat, 199 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,369 per God, for 40 days and 40 nights. 200 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,745 Do you wanna spend that time 201 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:39,996 getting sprayed in the face 202 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,081 with hippopotamus shit? 203 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,999 Gettin' bit by two of every bug? 204 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,793 With tigers and lions? 205 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,878 How long would we last with a tiger here? 206 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,172 What I wanna do is spend the next 207 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,882 month and 10 days 208 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,677 snuggling with these little babies. 209 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,428 We cannot live in a world 210 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,555 where the only animals are tiny dogs. 211 00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,517 I mean, what are we supposed to do with this 212 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:04,688 absolutely adorable little cuddle monster? 213 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,856 Oh, I hope God invents a tuxedo, 214 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,858 so you can be a formal little gentleman. 215 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,820 I think I got a senior dog, but senior dogs need love, too. 216 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,906 This little mister is gonna be sleepin' in the bed tonight. 217 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:17,075 - Okay! - And for Sarah. 218 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,827 No, no, no, no. I’d rather not. 219 00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,871 - What do you mean? Take him. - I'm actually more of a cat person. 220 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,841 You know, your wife is gamier than I thought she would be. 221 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:36,011 It's crazy that we ate Sarah and not the guy named "Ham." 222 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,555 I didn't even think of that. 223 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:45,270 Previously on The Civil War. 224 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,440 I have every soldier 225 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,859 on orders to deny you alcohol. 226 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,570 Oh, hello, Daddy. 227 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,571 - Hey! - Ah! 228 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:55,613 What you doin' with a 229 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,365 dirty Union greenback? 230 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,700 We hate everything. 231 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,327 But most of all, Yankees. 232 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,335 {\an8}The Southern Army is on its last legs. 233 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,420 We have General Lee and his men pinned down. 234 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,923 He will surrender, but he'll only surrender to General Grant 235 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,967 because Lee is a starfucker. 236 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,385 Now, General Grant was last seen 237 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,304 heading towards the hamlet of Rock Ridge. 238 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,056 - Oh-- - Not that one. 239 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,600 Now this Rock Ridge, the one we're talking about here, 240 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,642 is in West Virginia, 241 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,269 and that's Confederate Territory, 242 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:27,645 which is why you three gentlemen, 243 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,272 the most expendable ones we have, 244 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:30,774 have been tasked with finding the General 245 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:31,900 and bringing him back here. 246 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,777 Search every saloon in Rock Ridge. 247 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,861 Dismissed! 248 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,699 God, he's so dismissive. 249 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,705 No, no, no, when he said, "dismissed," it means we can leave. 250 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,540 - He's not bein' rude. - Oh, okay, 251 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,335 'cause I felt very disrespected there for a second. 252 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,379 Anyway, I'm Lieutenant Henry Honeybeard. 253 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,673 - Mason Dixon, nice to meet you. - Mason Dixon? 254 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,508 Yeah, my dad's from Florida, my mom's from New York. 255 00:11:56,508 --> 00:12:00,595 - Oh, and you are? - Uncomfortable with introductions. 256 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:02,931 But my shrink says I have to try. 257 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,892 - You can do this. - Right away, sir. 258 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,478 I’m Mingos. 259 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,814 That was harder than I thought. 260 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,732 Well, I don’t know about you guys, 261 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,068 but I thought it was pretty neat that he called us “expendable.” 262 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,028 - Okay. - I've never been called that before. 263 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,697 I don't think you know what "expendable" means. 264 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,573 I think the word you're thinkin' of is "exceptional." 265 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,702 As in, "I went to an exceptional school in Boston." 266 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,705 - We get it, you went to Harvard. - Boston University, actually. 267 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,873 Majored in stage design, minored in the banjo. 268 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:31,918 What?! I play the bugle. I’m the bugle boy of company B. 269 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,462 No way! We could start a band! Mingos, do you play anything? 270 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,173 No. I do a little observational comedy, 271 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,259 - but that’s it. - Can we hear some? 272 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,594 - I only do it when I'm alone. - Really? Why? 273 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:42,971 Thought of doing it in front of anyone 274 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:43,930 makes me physically-- 275 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,890 Ah, shit, ill. 276 00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,602 Okay, well... 277 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,813 even though I am the ranking officer, I’m not gonna force you. 278 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,232 You're only the ranking officer because you're White. 279 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,692 Oh, snap. 280 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,277 - That is a good observation. - Yeah. 281 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,654 All righty, Dixon, which way to West Virginia? 282 00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:01,406 Well, if I remember correctly, 283 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,700 West Virginia is to the left of Virginia. 284 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,705 Okay, I’m a righty, so this way? 285 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,166 But my left is pointing this way. 286 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:12,876 Turn around. 287 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,377 Oh. 288 00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,422 - See, now we’re the same direction. - Yeah. 289 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,174 - Shall we? - Oh, yeah. 290 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,677 Okay, who ate all the cheeseballs? 291 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,846 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know those were for sharing. 292 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,811 Meanwhile, back in Moscow. 293 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:36,149 Look, we need to start a revolution 294 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,984 {\an8}against the Revolution. 295 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,237 Lenin is gonna purge every card-carrying Bolshevik. 296 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,781 Sorry... 297 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,991 this whole time I thought we were the Bolsheviks. 298 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,451 No, no, you idiot. 299 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,454 We’re the Mensheviks. And proud of it, excuse me. 300 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:50,955 No, we’re the harmonizin' 301 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,957 R&B group, Bolsheviks II Mensheviks. 302 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,543 ♪ I’ll make borscht for you ♪ 303 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,045 No, no. 304 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,546 We are the SRs. 305 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:00,548 We're the social revolutionaries. 306 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,759 - Let's put a vote to it. - Let us first vote on what 307 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,095 - we wanna vote about. Are women voting? - Women will be voting. 308 00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:06,721 - What about Jews? - We're all Jews, so-- 309 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,139 - People under 5’5”? - No, well-- 310 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,391 Enough! 311 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:12,102 We voted enough. It's time for action. 312 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,359 Oh, thank you, thank you! Not necessary, but thank you. 313 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,361 Fanny, why didn't you tell me we were gonna have 314 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,570 all these stinky socialists 315 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,364 in our new Moscow apartment? 316 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,450 - I would've soured some extra cream. - Who’s this schlub? 317 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,161 Oh, no, Schlub Mudman is my dead brother, 318 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,330 may his memory be a bleching. 319 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:35,125 No, my name is Schmuck Mudman. Hello. 320 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,002 He’s nobody, he’s my husband. 321 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,920 Your misery looks familiar to me. 322 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,213 Are we from the same shtetl? 323 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,631 No. I get this all the time, 324 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,133 but I’m a miserable city Jew. 325 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:46,720 - Oh, okay. - Now, what are we gonna do about Lenin?! 326 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,304 Lenin? Vlad? Vlad Lenin? 327 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,472 Is that who you’re talkin' about? 328 00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,057 - Mm-hm. - Yeah, Vlad Lenin. 329 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,892 Oh, well, I serve sandwiches 330 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,020 to Vladimir Lenin and all of his comrades 331 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,396 every day at their office 332 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,440 where they remain completely unguarded. 333 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:04,362 Well, you’re all looking at me with a murderous hunger. 334 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:06,406 You must be famished. 335 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,533 Let me make you some something to eat. 336 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:09,993 Joshy?! 337 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:18,209 It's like we're twins, right? This is my son. 338 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,628 - Joshy, show everyone your abs. - Come on. 339 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:24,549 Joshy, please. Look at this! Ooh! 340 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:27,510 We could wash underwear on these abs and we have. 341 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,095 Calm down. Sit down now. 342 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,723 Joshy, I want you to go to Mrs. Federov’s chicken coop 343 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,725 and get me one perfect egg, 344 00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:36,644 so that I can make my famous 345 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,146 - one-egg omelet, all right? - All right. 346 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,898 - All right, I love you, son. - I love you. 347 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:43,276 Okay! You guys enjoy your little kibitz, 348 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:46,988 and I’m gonna go to the kitchen and make a ton of noise! 349 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,493 One-egg! Omelette! 350 00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,495 I think we have our in. 351 00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:04,798 Sigmund Freud. 352 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,886 The human brain is the most exquisite machine ever built, 353 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,180 and I'm here to help you explore it. 354 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,433 Hello. 355 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:22,273 I am Sigmund Freud and this is my Mommyclass. 356 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,821 Masterclass. What?! 357 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,656 I will give you the tools you need 358 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,700 to understand not only your own mind, 359 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,369 but also the mind behind your mind. 360 00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:36,871 You’re simply ashamed of your tiny penis. 361 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,289 I just wanna quit smoking. 362 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,751 Quit smoking? What? Why? Smoking’s cool. 363 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,462 You’ll also have access to never before seen footage 364 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,339 from my personal archives. 365 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,800 Shared without my patients' permission. 366 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,345 I've done a... really interesting drawing. 367 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,640 It’s of you and me. And we’re two eggplants. 368 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,476 - Don’t they look a little like penises? - Whoa, 369 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,895 - someone wants to sleep with their father. - What?! 370 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:03,565 I will also teach you some tricks of the trade 371 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,693 that will allow you to focus and keep your mind sharp. 372 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,405 Ooh, shit! 373 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,742 - Ever heard of cocaine? - No. What does it do? 374 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,578 Ah, just makes you super fucking human. 375 00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:17,829 Sure. 376 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,749 In just 477 classes, 377 00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:23,918 ranging in lengths from 30 seconds to three days, 378 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,962 I will help you unlock the mysteries 379 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,714 of the human condition 380 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,091 and clean the fuck out of my apartment. 381 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,885 What if we fuckin' start a restaurant? 382 00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,721 - Oh, shit! Now you're talking. - Dude! 383 00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,431 Guys, I'm gonna teach you 384 00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,433 - all of this shit, okay? - Mm. 385 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:41,519 So, join me for my Masturbates. 386 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,313 Cla-- Masterclass. 387 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:48,651 That was what, what we call classic "Sigmund Slip." 388 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,990 Now back to The Civil War. 389 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:59,829 Somewhere in Virginia, the search party continues to search, 390 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,082 and badly I might add. 391 00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:04,125 Where in the White devil are we? 392 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,169 Nah, I-I'm startin' to think we're lost. 393 00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:07,462 What gives you that idea? 394 00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:09,255 Is it ‘cause we’re in a damn cave?! 395 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,882 Ah! 396 00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,926 How did we end up underground? 397 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,387 What is that noise? 398 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,768 Um, what the hell is this? 399 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,854 - Do we just jump over it? - Yeah. You two first. 400 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,776 Is this Grant's tomb? 401 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,861 If it is, then we blew it. 402 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,244 General Grant, are ya in here? 403 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,996 - Hands up where I can see ‘em. - Ahh. 404 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,082 Good gravy, it’s Harriet Tubman! 405 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,544 Right, Harriet Tubman, 406 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:50,880 the inventor of the tub, I wanna say? 407 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,634 How did these dumbasses enslave us? 408 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,344 She created the Underground Railroad, 409 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:58,221 which I thought was a network of small groups 410 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:00,223 moving stealthily around the country to escape slavery, 411 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,267 but, yeah, no, this is a railroad. 412 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,019 Yeah, it's a railroad, 413 00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:06,062 and you fellas jumped the turnstile. 414 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:06,980 Pay up. 415 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,482 Uh, how much are we talkin'? 416 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,317 Well, if you're a slave it's free, 417 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,445 but if you're free, 20 bucks. 418 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,488 What if my uncle happens to be a slave? 419 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,115 Is there, like, a friends and family 420 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:18,408 thing you have? 421 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,076 - Twenty bucks. - Okay. 422 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,832 These are the only Andrew Jacksons I like. 423 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,126 I gotta say, this place is amazing. 424 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,669 Did you build this yourself? 425 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,629 Yeah, we built most of the infrastructure 426 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:32,881 in this country. 427 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,633 Uh? Surprised we made somethin' for us? 428 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:39,346 No, no, I-- No, I-I mean you could do whatever you want. 429 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,264 I, I think it's great, um. 430 00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:44,267 Oh god, what am I, what am I feeling here, guys? 431 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,769 - White guilt. - Gotcha. 432 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,271 - Hey, c-can you guys help me process it? - No. 433 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,774 Yeah, let him work that shit out on his own. 434 00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:51,691 Word. 435 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,401 If you want a ride to Canada, 436 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,236 the train'll be here in three minutes. 437 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,489 Oh, that's great. We're actually trying to get to Rock Ridge. 438 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:59,532 I can't tell you why though because it is a 439 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,909 - top-secret mission. - It’s to find General Grant 440 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:01,868 and Abe Lincoln’s son 441 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,536 and get them back, so we can end the war. 442 00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,790 Well, you seem like smart fellas, 443 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:09,000 so you do know that Rock Ridge 444 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,628 is in the other direction from where you came from? 445 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,004 I don’t know about that. 446 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,006 We were coming from the right, so. 447 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,133 Uh-huh. 448 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,595 J-Just go through this door, change platforms, 449 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,972 take the crosstown R to Rock Ridge. 450 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,100 If you hit Florida, you’re fucked. 451 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,643 - Get outta here. - Okay. 452 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,353 I’m a huge fan of your work by the way. 453 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:30,897 I meant everything I said about how cool I think-- Never mind. 454 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,775 Ugh, 200 years of this shit. 455 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:37,112 ♪ 456 00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:38,530 We missed the train! 457 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:42,158 You just had to get a slice, didn’t you? 458 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:49,582 Meanwhile, back in Moscow. 459 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,134 Hi. I’m Josh. Schmuck Mudman’s son. 460 00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,679 There’s no way you’re Schmuck Mudman’s son. 461 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,347 Can I buy one egg, please? 462 00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:05,682 Get it yourself. 463 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,392 The last time I went in there, 464 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,978 the rooster ate off my last pinky. 465 00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:11,312 What happened to your other pinky? 466 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:15,442 I ate it. Eh, mind your business! 467 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,448 Hey, guys! It's your girl, Anastasia. 468 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,286 Um, as you all know, my family was killed in the revolution, 469 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,830 so I’m hiding from, yeah, everybody, 470 00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:30,707 except for you guys, my loyal followers. 471 00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:31,875 Um, so, today 472 00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,339 So, yeah! Let me know what you think. 473 00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:43,636 Um, I'm sorry to interrupt, 474 00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:45,722 but... who are you? 475 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,559 Oh, I'm Princess Anastasia, the heir to the Romanov dynast-- 476 00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:53,897 I mean... I'm... poor shit person. 477 00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:55,148 No! 478 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,025 You're the woman from the newspaper! 479 00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:59,152 That was a blind item and I deny everything. 480 00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:02,030 You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. 481 00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:06,159 - Ah! - And I’ve seen, like, 30 people. 482 00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:09,371 Wow! Yeah, you're crazy hot, too. 483 00:22:09,371 --> 00:22:10,955 And you're tall, 484 00:22:10,955 --> 00:22:14,167 but you're not like a weird basketball player tall, yeah. 485 00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:16,294 I think I'm fucking falling in love with you. 486 00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:23,301 No! It can never be. 487 00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:26,262 I'm the most wanted person in this country. 488 00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:28,473 And you're a Jew. 489 00:22:35,188 --> 00:22:38,525 ♪ Someday ♪ 490 00:22:38,650 --> 00:22:44,656 ♪ The world won't judge us for who we are inside ♪ 491 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:48,201 ♪ They'll only see our surface beauty ♪ 492 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:52,330 ♪ And every heart will open wide ♪ 493 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:55,625 ♪ They'll ignore your family's heinous past ♪ 494 00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:59,087 ♪ And see just your dimpled chin ♪ 495 00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:03,049 ♪ And your chiseled jawline will define you ♪ 496 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:06,511 ♪ Not your missing foreskin ♪ 497 00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:10,598 ♪ Someday, someday ♪ 498 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:13,226 ♪ I will make history ♪ 499 00:23:13,226 --> 00:23:15,103 ♪ With a plot ruthless ♪ 500 00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:17,564 - ♪ and daring ♪ - ♪ They'll love me as a hottie ♪ 501 00:23:17,814 --> 00:23:19,858 ♪ Someday I'll wow the world ♪ 502 00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:23,194 - ♪ With my lox and pickled herring ♪ - ♪ They’ll see only 503 00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:24,821 ♪ my perfect body ♪ 504 00:23:24,821 --> 00:23:28,867 ♪ I'll win the hearts of every artist and ♪ 505 00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:31,494 -♪ free thinker ♪ - ♪ I'll purge the land of evil ♪ 506 00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:37,584 ♪ I'll finally find the nerve to eat another finger ♪ 507 00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:41,755 ♪ Someday, someday, someday, someday ♪ 508 00:23:41,755 --> 00:23:47,177 ♪ Maybe tomorrow ♪ 509 00:23:47,177 --> 00:23:49,179 You know what? Tomorrow's no good. What about the day after? 510 00:23:49,179 --> 00:23:51,348 I got a doctor's appointment! I've already moved it twice! 511 00:23:51,348 --> 00:23:53,350 Uh, you know, I got mani-pedi 512 00:23:53,350 --> 00:23:55,477 - and delousing. - Tuesday's good for me. 513 00:23:55,477 --> 00:23:58,271 - Yeah, see, I can't do Tuesday. - No. Maybe next week 514 00:23:58,271 --> 00:23:59,689 or the following week. 515 00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:01,608 I’ll start a Kugel Invite, okay? 516 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:10,719 Captioned by Point.360